Girls Aren’t Pathetic — Our Metaphors Are

The Sexist Trap Even Progressives Fall Into

In response to Trump and Musk’s public feuding, Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez commented, “The girls are fighting, aren’t they?” I appreciate her snark--especially given how much she’s had to put up with herself. But I’m disappointed she threw girls under the bus.

When Kellyanne Conway once used a similar slur, “catfight” to deride tensions between The Squad and Nancy Pelosi, AOC clapped back on X: “‘Catfight’ is the sexist term Republicans use when two adult women happen to disagree with each other.”

I’ll admit, I immediately thought catfight when the news banner about Trump and Musk’s mudslinging flashed across my screen. I even created a meme of screeching cats duking it out beneath the headline. But, I’d like to think I turned the stereotype on its head by captioning it: “Men!”

While I’m assuming AOC was weaponizing a sexist trope to show its absurdity, or referencing a popular meme¹, I think it landed wrong. Satire is a tricky tool — especially when it turns girls and women into the punchline.

Arnold Schwarzenegger famously taunted his political opponents calling them “girlie men” if they didn’t “have the guts.” Years later, he expressed regret—not because the term demeaned women, but because it hindered political cooperation.

Sexism, racism, ableism, and homophobia often masquerade as strength or power these days so it’s easy to fall into that trap. The challenge is figuring out how to be bold and visible—without reinforcing the very systems we’re trying to dismantle.

While Schwarzenegger meant to demean women, AOC’s joke inadvertently reinforced the stereotype that traits like emotional volatility, schoolyard bickering, and performative drama are inherently feminine. She turned the insult back on the men, yes, but at the expense of girls and women.

Of course, this isn’t really about AOC. In many ways, she’s a walking counterexample to every tired stereotype about women—and a frequent target of misogyny because of it. The slip matters not because it defines her, but because it reveals something deeper: even the most progressive voices among us can unconsciously fall back on demeaning biases. Biases where “girl” is still a dig. Where femininity is still so easily equated with incompetence or instability. Where toughness is defined not in defense of girlhood, but in contrast to it.

And if she isn’t immune to it, none of us are.

Many others online also invoked the trope of the “petty girl” or “catfight” in response to this public display of egomania. And many will say I can’t take a joke. But these tropes aren’t just outdated. They’re cultural “tells”; shorthand for how we collectively trivialize female conflict — turning it into a spectacle of claws and hair-pulling instead of seeing it as disagreement or debate based on valid ideas and feelings.

There’s no pattern of calling men’s disputes catfights, no matter how petty or performative they are. When men argue, they’re tough. Principled. When women argue, they’re emotional. Jealous. Childish. When we refer to men as girls — even jokingly — to describe ridiculous behavior, we still keep that harmful framing alive.

AOC had a real opportunity in that moment—not just to call out Musk and Trump’s antics, but to illuminate the small, persistent ways our culture demeans women by default. Imagine if, instead, she’d said, “Makes it seem like men are too emotional to govern, huh?” Or: “And they say we’re dramatic.” She could have flipped the script without reinforcing it.

When we describe erratic or "unserious" behavior as girlish— as pop culture so often does (think Biff sneering, “What are you, McFly? A girl?” Bart snapping, “Don’t be such a girl, Milhouse,” or Michael Scott insisting: "I'm not gonna cry, OK? I'm not a girl.”) — we send the message that girls aren’t capable of maturity or leadership; that they can’t be trusted with power. This is the same rationale that’s been used, overtly and covertly, to keep women out of boardrooms, politics, and positions of influence for centuries.

The effects of casual sexism start early. As a psychologist, I see it all the time: girls learning to shrink themselves to fit inside someone else’s comfort zone. They realize, often before they can articulate it, that they’ll be judged more harshly for expressing frustration or anger. They internalize the ideas that passion makes them “dramatic,” confidence makes them “bossy” and emotional awareness is a liability. And so, they begin to self-police. They swallow their feelings. They defer--trading integrity for likability. Boys don't escape the effects either. They learn to divorce themselves from feelings, becoming men who lose out on fulfilling relationships.

We need to stop using girls as a metaphor for pathetic. Because they’re anything but.

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Want me to speak in your home town?

It’s hard to believe that the start of the new school year will mark the one year anniversary of my book Sexism & Sensibility: Raising Empowered Resilient Girls in The Modern World!! It has been a whirlwind—at once exhausting and invigorating. The Fall is shaping up with lots of talks at schools, libraries, and community centers. I’ll be in Amsterdam (which I’m turning into a week-long mother-daughter trip!), San Diego (which might also involve my daughter, coming to look at colleges) and various other locations and Zooms. If you want me to speak in your city or home town—digitally or in person—please recommend me to organizers at your kids’ school, your local library, or local organization. I’d love to give a talk in your community!!

1. “The girls are fighting” is a phrase that originated in Black queer culture, typically used—often in a gender-neutral way—to comment on conflict or drama between two people and to invite spectatorship with a tone of playful exaggeration. It gained mainstream attention in 2018, when singer Azealia Banks used it in a viral video reacting to the infamous clash between Cardi B and Nicki Minaj. I considered this cultural context carefully before writing this piece. I chose to move forward because so many girls and women have grown up hearing this and similar phrases used to belittle or mock them. To those unfamiliar with its roots, a public figure’s use of the phrase could easily come across as aligning with patriarchal or homophobic stereotypes — and that’s worth unpacking.

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