Cat(caller) Got Your Tongue?
Five comebacks to empower girls in public spaces
“Hey, good looking!” “Smile baby!” “Marry me, beautiful!” While these words, usually from strangers, may sound like compliments, they rarely feel that way.
Being commanded to do something is a power play, and the object is to dominate. If you're a woman, the story of freezing, flinching, and fear is written on your body. You know the pounding heart and leaden feet, the hairs that prick up on the back of your neck, the pretending you don't hear or care, and the praying you're not followed. And all the while wondering if a given man enjoys belittling girls and women only verbally, or prefers using that as a prelude to something more violent.
One instance of street harassment might seem trivial in isolation, but these microaggressions belittle girls and make them feel unsafe over time.
Walking alone to my favorite cafe one afternoon to work on my book—you know, the one about sexism—a stranger started hissing at me: “Baby, hey baby, baby, where you going, baby?” Doing my best to ignore him, I walked on. Then I heard him say in a loud, friendly voice to a man passing in the opposite direction, “What’s up, boss?” Fascinating, isn’t it? I was the recipient of a creepy, aggressive voice and infantilization, and the dude got a non-threatening voice and was referred to as, literally, someone in charge.
In my psychotherapy practice, I have a front row seat to the corrosive nature of mundane sexism on girls’ self esteem, self-trust, and sense of agency. In the UK, street harassment is a criminal offense, punishable by up to two years in prison but in the US, most forms of harassment are considered misdemeanors. One instance of street harassment might seem trivial in isolation, but these microaggressions belittle girls and make them feel unsafe over time.
I chose to ignore this catcaller, but there’s more than one right way to respond to this kind of harassment.
Research shows that being prepared for sexism can help girls feel more confident in their interactions with others. Though as I said in my post On Feeling Safe (& Whether to Warn Girls About Violence), “we tread a difficult line between preparing our daughters for the world and instilling fear. We don’t want to unfairly color the way they see the world, but not knowing what to expect could be worse.” Most girls and women say nothing and then later wish they’d had the wherewithal to handle it differently. Being assertive can lead to escalation, so we can reassure our daughters that when they choose to remain silent, it's often because they had to make quick, calculated decisions and rely on their gut instincts. Helping them learn to trust their gut is essential.
I tell my daughter the best thing to do if she’s being harassed is whatever makes her feel safest. I suggest she engage as little as possible and try to appear unrattled. The point of harassment is to make the harasser feel powerful, and he might feed on fear. If, however, ignoring a harasser makes him mad, she might acknowledge him with a nod. If the harassment continues or she’s being followed, she can call 911 and tell him firmly she’s not interested. She might film it, too, though only if she’s truly out of reach or there are other people around. If she’s genuinely worried for her safety, she should approach someone else and ask for help.
But since a good comeback can feel empowering (even if they only end up saying it under their breath), we can generate responses with girls so they have a few up their sleeve, if safety allows:
Be firm and direct
“Don’t talk to me like that,” “Leave me alone” or “That’s harassment.”
Give him a taste of his own medicine
Confuse a catcaller by catcalling right back (without sounding like you’re coming onto him): “Say something funny!” “Turn that frown upside down.” “Did you knit that sweater yourself?”
Get him to reflect on his behavior
“Why are you trying to embarrass me?”, “Do you always compliment someone by trying to scare or humiliate them?” or “What would your mother (or wife) think of you now?”
Give him a piece of her mind
In her book Bossypants, Tina Fey describes screaming “Suck my dick” the first time she was catcalled as a teenager. Fighting back can be very satisfying, but I’d only recommend it if Mr. Catcaller is shouting from a window three stories up and your ride is pulling up.
Pretend to misunderstand
Last September there was a 15-second TikTok about catcalling that went viral. Daphne Berry recounted being harassed by a construction worker and calling back, “Sorry, I don’t have any change.” All the other men cracked up, humiliating the catcaller. Genius. While there might not always be a ready audience, girls can still shake him off by “misunderstanding.”
Have any other clever comebacks you can share? Or thoughts or stories about street harassment? Share in the comments!
The “catcalling” situation I will never be able to forget: I was walking onto a plane, when a man sitting in an aisle seat told me I should smile. I looked at him and did not smile, then it ended up I was seated right next to him across the aisle. I didn’t say anything to him, I just didn’t smile, but he bristled and defensively said “lighten up, I’ve said it to other people and they’ve smiled.” He proceeded to say it to at least three more times—to younger, femme women only, of course—who all did sort-of smile while laughing uncomfortably (in my interpretation).
Despite it being a relatively tame interaction, compared to the other aggressive and lewd “real” catcalling experiences I’ve had in my life, I’ve never so viscerally felt how men feel they own women’s bodies. (As compared to other verbal-only harassments, to be clear.) That day, my mother was getting a double mastectomy because of cancer; she was literally going into surgery around the time the flight was boarding. I was anxious. I was grieving. I did not want to smile. Yet this man told me I should lighten up, knowing nothing about me or the other women he was asking to smile for his own pleasure. I wanted to tell him off, but I knew that there was no way I wouldn’t cry. And I didn’t want to become the “hysterical woman.” So I just sat next to him in silence for three hours, and then went to care for my mother.
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I still remember when I was about 12 and was crossing a school yard by myself when a young man sped by on his bike and felt my breast! I was angry, fearful and never forgot the experience! Cynthia G.