On Feeling Safe (& Whether to Warn Girls About Violence)
On Feeling Safe (& Whether to Warn Girls About Violence)
I went to a meditation retreat and got more than most women bargain for
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I recently returned from a four-day silent meditation retreat. When I told people I was going, the most common reaction I got was “Okaaayyy…” Or “That wouldn’t be for me but hope it’s great.” It was a bit daunting to me too but the reason I decided to go was twofold. First, after spending more than a year working on average 13 hours a day between my psychology practice and writing a book, I decided I would say yes to almost everything and try to make up for lost time. And I did. I saw great theater and music and had long, delicious meals with friends. But any time I was at home, the pull of my computer was strong. Any free time felt wrong; unproductive. Any life admin tasks like sorting through those piles that had grown in the last year felt meaningless. I knew I needed to get back to a more balanced mindset where slowing down or “just being” was okay. When the knowledge of this retreat randomly fell into my lap and was coincidentally an hour outside of San Francisco on the exact weekend I was planning to visit friends, I took it as a sign and said yes.
The second reason I went was because this upcoming year is going to be challenging for me and I wanted to jumpstart my home meditation practice in hopes it would help me face the year calmly and with grace. I’m going to have to learn new skills or dust off old ones that go along with launching a book. I chose a profession that mostly has me sitting one-on-one with someone. I am not a public person nor have I ever fantasized about being one. But it turns out writing a book these days means putting yourself out there on social media, and doing lots of publishing and public speaking. And I’ll do it because that’s what you promise a publisher when they offer you a nonfiction book deal and because I believe in my message. But I also want to remain unattached to the ultimate success of my book. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, so much about publishing success is random. So much great and useful writing goes unnoticed. What’s happening in the news the week your book launches can render it invisible; the New York Times bestseller list is a black hole that isn’t based on sales alone and they don’t reveal how they choose; and a host of other things you can’t control that help or hurt your book’s visibility.
On a container of safety
I loved the retreat and it had the desired effects. But there was also a welcome and unexpected side effect: feeling safe. Women constantly bargain for their safety but we have few expectations of feeling safe.
You might recall the TikTok poll going around a couple of years ago that asked women what they would do if the world was without men for 24 hours. The most common response was the simple pleasure of feeling free to go for a walk in the evening. Let that sink in. Another common response referred to wearing whatever one wanted, whether that meant no makeup, no hijab, or or a cute mini skirt and crop top. Some fantasized about speaking without getting interrupted, letting loose at a party, using the weights section in the gym, blasting music through BOTH AirPods, and not always having an exit plan. Oof. I don’t think most men understand how often girls and women police themselves and change their behavior in order to feel safe.
People come to a retreat for many reasons but it’s unlikely any of those are to hurt someone else. At the outset, the five precepts of Buddhism are made clear: 1) refrain from destroying living creatures, 2) refrain from taking what is not offered, 3) refrain from sexual misconduct, 4) refrain from dishonest speech, and 5) refrain from clouding the mind with intoxicants. And the Dharma teachings are all about lovingkindness and reducing personal and world suffering. A container of safety seemed to envelope its participants. Well, it was a silent retreat so I shouldn’t speak for others, but it certainly felt that way. No one rushed you as you stood in line mindfully (read: painfully slowly) helping yourself to food or gave you dirty looks as you shifted uncomfortably on your meditation pillow.
All day we alternated between sitting meditation and very slow walking meditation (picture zombies in the apocalypse). After each hearty vegetarian meal, we had free time to wander the beautiful hiking trails or just sit around the hilly landscape, staring out (picture very elderly patients at a nursing home). On my solo hikes where I might otherwise have felt nervous or vigilant, I was totally relaxed. Sleeping in a strange room, surrounded by strangers in their rooms, where I might otherwise have tossed and turned, I slept deeply. And because no one was talking or making eye contact, there was no need to perform femininity—all that thanking and apologizing, looking to others to make sure you’re being perceived as Good, or needing to always appear put together could be put aside. Feeling fully safe and free to be yourself are rare experiences for many women.
On pain and bodily autonomy
I make sure I walk and exercise frequently to ward off pain (because aging!) so I expected sitting for hours on the floor in one position on the retreat would lead to a lot of pain. It didn’t. That got me thinking about pain and safety. Women make up 70% of chronic pain sufferers. Patients I see in my practice often mention that their pain flare-ups improve when they get home after a day at school or the office. I wonder if that’s partly because, safe inside the four walls of their home, women get a break from the stress of navigating their bodily autonomy in a world where their bodies often don’t feel like their own and aren’t safe. I don’t know of any research on that but it’s not an unreasonable hypothesis given the energy that goes into remaining vigilant.
On warning girls about violence
I want that sense of near-total safety again and I want it for all women. It’s sad we have to warn our daughters as they become more independent to always keep their wits about them, to look over their shoulders, to notice who sits down next to them on the train, to take their drinks with them to the bathroom, to check the backseat before they get into the car and then lock it immediately after entering. As my daughter has gotten older, I’ve wondered how much is necessary and how much is too much. There’s some research that says “safety work” is a form of social control, exacerbating fear and subservience and only unreliably mitigating exposure to violence, and that the constraints we put on girls in the name of protecting them are actually making them more vulnerable, not less, because they restrict knowledge and power leading to profound disadvantages.
We tread a difficult line between preparing our daughters for the world and instilling fear. We don’t want to unfairly color the way they see the world, but not knowing what to expect could be worse. It’s vital they trust their instincts, whether that curdled feeling in their stomach comes from a teacher’s snide comment in class or from being approached by a carful of teenage boys. They need to be prepared for those times when they feel their hearts racing but their feet are glued to the pavement. My daughter carries a Birdie and I give her periodic reminders to keep her wits about her and to make good safety choices. But I’ve made sure to explain two other important points: 1) If she’s targeted, it’s not because she did something wrong or was sniffed out as a weak gazelle in the herd. It’s a slippery slope from prevention to victim blaming, and 2) Most violence against women, particularly sexual assault, is perpetrated by someone a woman knows, usually an intimate partner, and often involves alcohol. My hope is this will have the double benefit of helping her embrace her new-found independence smartly but without fear and also make conscientious dating choices.
Girls will always have to deal with catcalling, groping, intimidation, and the chronic fear of rape that forms the white noise of womanhood, but the more experiences of freedom they have — as I did on retreat—the more absurd it will seem they have to live this way and the more they will demand better.
HOT OFF THE PRESS
This went live this morning on Psychology Today!
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. I especially liked this recent post Algorithms Hijacked My Generation. It’s about a different kind of bodily safety—about beauty and how algorithms act as conveyor belts, transporting girls to ever more extreme ideas, identities, and behaviors.
Awesome piece of writing, Jo! I really love the attention on the complex nuances … the highlight of safety as a pervasive (and INvasive!) issue and the complexities of managing/trying to protect ourselves and each other. Thank you!
Jo-Ann's writing style, choice of topic, clear rendering, showing both sides of fear, safety, etc., when to speak, and when to remain silent but vigilant, is truly remarkable! This article a must read. We walk a fine line! Every adult and child, old enough to understand this, is lucky to have these articles at their finger tips. Keep on producing these! Bravo!