The Knowledge of Holiday Magic Does Not Come Pre-Installed in a Vagina

In lieu of primal screaming, sprinkle some feminism into your and your children's Christmas

It’s the most wonderful time of the year…except for women.

We know women do the bulk of unpaid and invisible labor all year long, only to see it multiply over the holidays. Meanwhile everyone else can relax in their matching pajama pants in front of the spectacularly adorned (by mom) tree. She is probably locked in the bathroom painstakingly wrapping gifts she thoughtfully and tirelessly selected—giving Santa all the credit, naturally—or she’s frantically searching the laundry basket for the missing Elf on The Shelf. She’s doing everything to make sure holiday magic doesn’t devolve into holiday chaos.

Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, the author of We Should All Be Feminists, famously said “The knowledge of cooking does not come pre-installed in a vagina” and during this holiday season it seems necessary to add: neither does the knack for holiday planning and execution. And yet, here we are with mothers everywhere still doing it all while the men show up to drink and watch football, not even bothering to fill her stocking. This might be a slight exaggeration, but according to the research, only slight. More than three quarters (76.4%) of unpaid domestic care work worldwide is done by women, while 23.6% is done by men. When everything falls on her shoulders—the decorations, the gifts, the food, the social plans, the Christmas card outfits, an ever-sneakier place for the Elf (and many thousands of other tasks)—many women are robbed of the chance to actually enjoy the holidays themselves.

And while it would be perfectly understandable to let out a primal scream at Christmas dinner as you’re running between the kitchen and the dining room and frantically trying to accommodate everyone’s dietary restrictions, here are some ways to sprinkle feminism into your holiday that might help you blow off a little steam and also model excellent feminist behavior for your children.

1. To introduce the idea that women do A LOT that they don’t get credit for, tell your kids that those reindeer pulling Santas sleigh—the ones often referred to as he—are all female! That’s right, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer, male reindeer drop their antlers during the Fall once they’ve snagged a mate. Female reindeer keep their antlers until after they give birth in the spring. So according to every historical rendition depicting Santa’s reindeer–every single one of them, from Cupid to Rudolph—had to be a girl. Guess we should have known!

2. Speaking of credit — maybe don’t let the old white guy in red take all of it. Buying gifts doesn’t just take time and money, it takes knowing your child’s heart—what they’ve been wanting, what they’ll respond to, what skills need scaffolding, such as their spatial or organizational abilities. Consider taking credit for a couple of gifts you know you nailed. It might just make your child feel known and there’s nothing wrong with basking in a little gratitude.

3. "If someone comments on how much they, you, or—heaven forbid—your daughter are eating (or not eating), here are some ways you can respond:

• Change the topic immediately (e.g., watch any good shows lately?)

• Look at them quizzically, then scoop another helping of mashed potatoes.

• Respond with one of these statements:

  • 'I’m looking for pleasure, not guilt when I eat.'

  • 'My plate, my rules!' or 'My body, my choice.'

  • 'I think of food as neutral, not ‘good’ or ‘bad.’'

  • 'I’m more interested in how I feel than how I look.'

Consider arming your daughter with those responses if you expect diet talk at the dinner table.

4. When Uncle Tom makes a sexist crack about women or insists equality already exists, have some fun facts up your sleeve:

   • Healthcare Disparities: Women are 50% more likely than men to be misdiagnosed during a heart attack, because symptoms in women often differ and are less recognized by medical professionals.

   • Leadership Representation: Women hold only 28% of managerial positions worldwide, and just 10% of Fortune 500 companies have female CEOs. In fact, until last year(!), there were fewer female CEOs leading major U.S. companies than CEOs named John!

   • Gender-Based Violence: One in three women globally has experienced physical or sexual violence, usually by an intimate partner. One in three!

   • Dismissed and Discredited: Girls and women just aren’t taken seriously. Case in point—People tend to perceive hurricanes with feminine names as less threatening than those with masculine names, making them potentially deadlier if people don’t take the warnings as seriously.

   • Unpaid labor: Guess who did all the work here tonight Uncle Tom?

5. It’s bad form to badmouth daddy but there are ways to make it clear to your kids that taking on the bulk of family labor is uncool and unsustainable; that sharing the household burden (just like sharing the magic) is a way to show kindness, and generosity. You might say to your teen, “Next year I’m going to make sure things are more equal because it’s not like women are born knowing how to create a lovely holiday. We’re socialized to take on the planning and magic-making. Dad is really capable and I know he could learn too if he wanted to.” For a younger kid, you might say, “Boy, mommy is really tired. I love making the holidays special but I’ve learned mommies shouldn’t have to do it all. We need daddies and uncles and grandpas to help too, right?!”

I sincerely hope the holidays are wonderful for all of you. But if they’re not, I see you!

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