Sexy Halloween

Boo! When it's the parents who are scared

The day will come for most parents of girls when they’ll have to reckon with exposed bellies, butt cheeks, and cleavage. That day might just be tomorrow—Halloween—when teenage girls manage to make even a lamb “hot” and SpongeBob SquarePants decidedly pants-free. What is going on?

Remember in Mean Girls when Cady, played by Lindsay Lohan, says: "In Girl World, Halloween is the one day a year when a girl can dress up like a total slut and no other girls can say anything else about it”? That’s certainly part of it.

Girls constantly get mixed messages about their sexuality. Everywhere they turn, they’re told their sex appeal is their greatest asset and main source of power—yet there's an ever-shifting, invisible line where it crosses over into slutty territory and indicates you have nothing else going for you.

Halloween is the one day where girls can totally own their sexuality without their character being judged. It’s a night where it feels safe to try on different identities, (which might explain why we see so many men dress like women). And while trick-or-treating might not be 'cool' anymore, celebrating in a way that lets you embrace your independence and explore your sexuality absolutely is.

But parents worry, and for good reason. We worry our daughters have bought into the male gaze, hook, line, and sinker. We want our kids to embrace their budding sexuality, or at least be unashamed of it, but seeing themselves through a system that values young women packaged for the marketplace of male desire, leaves little room for pimples or tummy rolls. We also worry that skimpy costumes will attract unwanted attention. In many cases, both of these are true. So what should we do?

First, it’s helpful to remember a few important points:

• Choosing to dress in skimpy clothing is not just about being sexy. Often it is more about fitting in. Sexified costumes are being marketed to girls and many of their friends will be wearing them.

• It might seem like this is a brand new phenomenon for this generation but it’s not. Girls today want to be Olivia Rodrigo in a butt-baring cheerleading outfit or Chappell Roan in a skimpy rhinestone dress. Is that really so different than when we were Madonna in a bustier or Cher from Clueless in a skimpy plaid outfit and heels?

• Kids with autonomy-supportive parents tend to be less depressed and anxious. than those with controlling parents. Research repeatedly finds that when parents try to control their kids’ choices, whether it’s clothing or food or something else, it often backfires. That doesn’t mean being permissive and providing no structure. It means guiding them to a healthy sense of themselves—without disrupting the process of self-discovery. In the case of sexy costumes, if you give an outright “no” to her costume choice, she may sneak into it anyway once she’s out of the house. Rather than making her feel like being sneaky is the best choice, it’s better to talk through options with her beforehand and come to an agreement.

Second, approach the topic gently and directly:

• Remain curious. Rather than exhorting the dangers of their sexuality or assuming you know why they’re choosing to dress a certain way, have a dialogue about it. Be gentle and inquisitive and have meaningful conversations about the various influences that affect these choices. As I once said to my own daughter when we were discussing sexualized trends, “Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar but a crop top, dieting, or a Brazilian wax is never as simple as free choice.”

• Be direct about your dilemma. When we express concern about a sexualized presentation, we risk slut-shaming girls. But saying nothing might risk their safety and longterm self-esteem. You might say, “I want you to be able to wear what you want but I also want you to know, contrary to what the culture tells you, you are so much more than your sexuality.” Or “You’re absolutely not responsible for other people’s reactions and yet people may take skimpy clothing as a sign you want sexual attention when you don’t.”

• Find a compromise and make a plan. If her costume is all lacy lingerie on top, can she wear something less revealing on the bottom? Think through with her what she can do if she is approached in ways that make her uncomfortable. Can she bring a sweatshirt to cover up if she’s getting unwanted attention? Enlist a friend’s help? Tell the harasser, “This is a costume, not an invitation”?

As a psychologist working with girls and families, I’ve frequently seen how struggles over autonomy—especially around clothing choices—can strain parent-child relationships. The goal is to help our daughters think critically about their choices, not to control them. Sure, we can forbid them to wear the costume they’re excited about and helps them fit in, but that does little for our relationships with them. Rather than make it us against the culture, it makes it us against them. Ultimately, we want girls to make their own choices, which means helping them reflect honestly on how those decisions are influenced by a system that ties their worth to their sex appeal. But as parents, we’re playing the long game and that may not happen by Halloween.

Related Articles:

• Why Your Daughter’s Version of Body Autonomy Might Look Different Than Yours: And how to bridge the gap

• F*ck Modesty: Let Girls Be People