F*ck Modesty

Let Girls Be People

Did you catch Kamala Harris’s spot-on response on the Call Her Daddy podcast? The host asked her how she felt about Arkansas Governor Sarah Huckabee Sanders’s jab that her kids keep her "humble," while “Kamala Harris doesn’t have anything keeping her humble.”

Harris appeared on the podcast, popular with Millennials, to connect with young female voters, so I was thrilled with her sharp response knowing it would resonate with an audience that could use a little permission to “go for it.” Harris replied, “I don't think she understands that there are a whole lot of women out here who, one, are not aspiring to be humble.” Then, she went on to dismantle the tired idea that childlessness equals a lack of responsibility or fulfillment, highlighting that many women contribute meaningfully to children’s lives, even if they haven’t had biological children.

But it's the expectation of humility that I want to unpack. Here’s what I think of society's insistence that girls and women be humble, demure, and whatever else falls under the rubric of modesty—to perfectly embody femininity:

Not very mature (or feminine), I know, but raspberry blowing really does capture it better than any of the words I was coming up with.

Harris is diplomatic so she didn’t get all uppity like I might have and say, “Why the hell do women have to be so humble all the time?” but I’m pretty sure that’s what she meant.

You might think “modesty” is so last century with its long dresses and high collars, but it’s still very much alive and kicking girls’ and women’s asses. And it goes far beyond clothing. It’s why so many girls and women apologize All. The. Time, for speaking, disagreeing, having a need, existing. The more I think about it, the more pissed off I get. In fact, I’m willing to say the expectation of modesty is at the root of so much tsuris in women’s lives. It is the umbrella under which we find the Good Girl who becomes the exalted wife and mother sacrificing her needs for the wellbeing of everyone else, all with a lovely smile on her face. And of course, when she’s at her wit’s end and gets angry and resentful, or refuses to meet her wit’s end and attends to her own needs, she’s selfish, brash, and arrogant. It’s at the root of so many girls feeling like they just don’t fit properly.

You’re probably thinking, “I don’t want my daughter to be modest. I want her to be strong and outspoken.” And, gentle reader, part of you does! But so many of us respond to the quintessential femininity that comes with modesty. We revere women who are soft-spoken, sweet, graceful, and unassuming. They can have power but it should be a quiet power. And maybe(??) we respond that way because there is something special about it—as in, unusual. The prima ballerina. Yet, we’re told it’s the norm. That’s just how girls and women are. So those who don’t fit this rare mold, spend a lifetime trying to manifest it.

Picture of a Tweet by Richard J Torres

Modesty as Control

Modesty is touted as a virtue, and supposed to mean the opposite of boasting and arrogance, but instead, it’s a “value” used to control women. When it’s applied to girls and women— which it is almost exclusively—it conveys the need for a shrinking presence. Female modesty asks girls to be nonthreatening in all the ways— soft voices, gentle handshakes, and subdued ambitions. It tells them to take up less space—physically, emotionally, and intellectually. It deprives them of permission to own what they’re good at, for fear of seeming conceited. The overarching message is, “be quiet and smile pleasantly; don't disrupt or challenge the status quo.”

A modest girl conforms, complies, and doesn't make others uncomfortable by being too loud, too capable, or too confident. Modesty has real world consequences. Nearly 50 percent of girls believe speaking their mind will make them unlikable. And studies show women are more likely to downplay their accomplishments and hesitate to negotiate for promotions or raises. They are also more likely to internalize the belief that confidence or assertiveness will make them unlikable. So they “choose” to be humble. And then we wonder why women hesitate to pursue leadership roles or high-profile careers?

As long as women are told to play small, they pose less of a challenge to male dominance in workplaces, politics, and personal relationships.

Modesty is a trap. If you conform, you risk being overlooked and undervalued. If you express your full potential, you’ll likely be seen as arrogant or aggressive. When a woman is in a position of power, there’s often pressure to prove her femininity lest she be labeled a “ballbuster.” But beware, she’s probably “too soft” for the job then. In contrast, when men are assertive, ambitious, or outspoken, these traits are celebrated as markers of leadership and success.

The fact that we expect modesty from women but not men reveals its deeper purpose: discouraging women from occupying space and power.

Modesty as Body Policing

The intense focus on female dress is due to the fact that we sexualize girls’ bodies. So we tell them to dress modestly to avoid unwanted attention or judgment, and place the responsibility for others’ behavior on their shoulders. This not only perpetuates rape culture by implying that women are responsible for preventing harassment, but it also reinforces body shame. Instead of learning to feel comfortable in their own skin, girls are taught to be hyper-aware of how others perceive them. They learn their bodies are inherently problematic, and need to be hidden.

On the other hand, few of us want our daughters dressing for the male gaze, buying into the idea that their sex appeal is their main source of power. If she’s ensconced in a “tits out for the boys” kind of environment, dressing more comfortably and modestly might be empowering. As I say in Why Your Daughter’s Version of Body Autonomy Might Look Different Than Yours: And how to bridge the gap empowerment comes in many guises. The problem is less how women dress, and more everyone else’s reactions.

Why is it that women’s clothing always has to "mean something" or "send a message"? Can’t their clothing simply be functional, as it often is for boys? Or worn just because they like it? The answer is no, because women are still seen as decoration rather than active participants in life, and patriarchal culture reinforces this by continually framing their appearance as something to be judged and controlled.

Let’s Stop Revering Female Modesty

Some people are more naturally reserved or humble and some may choose modesty, but it shouldn’t be a mandate or an ideal for women. Ultimately, true empowerment comes not from conforming to restrictive ideals but from embracing your full humanity without shame or apology. Let girls be people. They deserve to live in a world where they are not defined by how modest/humble/feminine they are, but by how fully they show up as themselves.

Donald Trump certainly isn’t aspiring to be humble so why is anyone expecting Kamala Harris to? Let Harris be Harris.

---

Sexism & Sensibility Book Discussion

I have had several requests to hold a virtual book discussion of Sexism & Sensibility. If there is enough interest, I will make it happen. Please take the poll!