Reading and vehemently nodding while sifting through the mound of year-end emails & events from school before I head off in the middle of the day to attend a fifth grade music concert and then come back for work meetings before getting dinner ready. Thank you for writing this!
hahahaha! Seriously laughed out loud. I really wanted to get something in there about school emails but just couldn’t fit it. Thanks so much for reading and for the laugh!
Great article thank you, I do so agree on many of your points and have also been confounded by how much more difficult motherhood has been compared to what I was expecting. I’m still not sure why my expectations were so far off what I actually experienced/am experiencing!
If I may also add, I studied Psychology and attachment in child development - and have understood for a long time that secure relationships with primary care givers in the early years, especially ages 0-5, contributes to a myriad of positive traits in later childhood and even adulthood. It becomes a societal benefit. So why, why, why are we toiling away in these crucial early stages - up the creek without a paddle so to speak, when this is the time to flood mothers with support, resources and credit? To allow them to carry out these invaluable and important roles.
As you can tell, I don’t really have much to say on the matter (ha)! But thank you again for writing this piece, it’s significant.
Right?! 0-5 is simultaneously so important and so hard which is why SOME countries support families more than others. It makes no sense and is maddening. As for expectations...that's why we need to be writing about motherhood, so women stop being told it's all so "natural." Kerala Taylor wrote a great piece called, "Are White, Middle-Class Women the Unhappiest Mothers?" that may or may not speak to your experience. Thanks so much for your thoughtful comment Lou!
As always spot on! Lots have to change, at the same time to move forward. It is the multidimensional understanding of the situation what gives the answers.
Don’t mind me creeping on this post months late! I wholeheartedly agree with this: “We fought for women to enter the workforce, now it’s time for men to participate more fully in caregiving.”
I’m overwhelmed at the thought of being a SAHM, partly because I think I’d benefit from the variety of also working, but also partly because I see how domestic work is viewed as less-than (though I acknowledge this isn’t true, it’s hard to shake). But, I do want my potential future kids to have ample bonding time as they build early attachments. But all these are reasons why we need to make sure we’re simultaneously making it possible for women to (a) have ample maternity leave, (b) be in the workplace and (c) for men to do more caring. We also need better paternity leave because it’s in those early months that imbalanced caregiving ends up happening because the mom spends way more time figuring out how to care for the baby. In an ideal world, after maternity leave I’d love for my (hypothetical lol) husband and I to each work part-time so we both bring our gifts to the public sphere and family.
Not a ramble. Agree with all of this!! It’s also a luxury to be able to take pleasure in (find importance in) say doing the dishes bc while it needs to be done, time is so limited especially with little kids and most of us would rather be snuggling with our kids or helping them with homework or writing our novel or or or
Thanks for enlivening this important topic. And yes there are men reading and even enjoying listening!! The numbers on how little we in the USA (compared to Denmark) invest in child care are sobering and distressing. We play catch up building prisons and drug rehab centers and inadequate foster care systems. But your work is helping raise consciousness about the true value of care giving in our capitalist country and world. 'Maybe I'm amazed...'
Thanks so much for your comment David. Such a good point -- we don't invest enough and then we try to clean up the mess, in less constructive ways. It's sad, really.
As always, seeing what conditions are like for women today, giving thoughtful ideas about why that is, and helping us remember that we can take action to change things for the future. I like your encouragement of cooperative living arrangements: with 4 friends, we set up and lived in a cooperative for 21 years, with private apartments but shared space and some shared meals and child care and chores depending on the mix of people. Really helped parenting be less stressful, and I'd still be in a cooperative if there were more such options.
Thank you thank you! Of course you lived in a cooperative Ann. When I die I want to come back as you (someone who lives cooperatively, makes amazing cups, and has the best gray hair ever)!
I related to so much here! One thing that drives me nuts is that whenever I talk about things like maintaining an organized home, people try to undermine the significance of it. I should lower my standards, they say. Or, it's OK for things to be messy!
First, I'm not naturally a very tidy person -- I'm perfectly OK with some degree of mess. But like you said, an organized home is important to me not for show, but because when I can't f*cking find anything, it makes my life WAY harder. When it comes to domestic labor, people not only constantly diminish the importance of it, but act like I'm just making up unnecessary work for myself and that the real solution is to lower my standards. The real solution is to value the work, share in the work, and allow time for the work. Thank you for such a well-articulated piece (and for the shout-out) -- I look forward to continuing to rewrite motherhood with you and other Substack mothers!
All of this! Seriously, parenting would have been so much easier if I could find things. You're either accused of being obsessive if you complain it's too messy or looked down on if you let it be messy. Can't win.
Reading and vehemently nodding while sifting through the mound of year-end emails & events from school before I head off in the middle of the day to attend a fifth grade music concert and then come back for work meetings before getting dinner ready. Thank you for writing this!
hahahaha! Seriously laughed out loud. I really wanted to get something in there about school emails but just couldn’t fit it. Thanks so much for reading and for the laugh!
Great article thank you, I do so agree on many of your points and have also been confounded by how much more difficult motherhood has been compared to what I was expecting. I’m still not sure why my expectations were so far off what I actually experienced/am experiencing!
If I may also add, I studied Psychology and attachment in child development - and have understood for a long time that secure relationships with primary care givers in the early years, especially ages 0-5, contributes to a myriad of positive traits in later childhood and even adulthood. It becomes a societal benefit. So why, why, why are we toiling away in these crucial early stages - up the creek without a paddle so to speak, when this is the time to flood mothers with support, resources and credit? To allow them to carry out these invaluable and important roles.
As you can tell, I don’t really have much to say on the matter (ha)! But thank you again for writing this piece, it’s significant.
Right?! 0-5 is simultaneously so important and so hard which is why SOME countries support families more than others. It makes no sense and is maddening. As for expectations...that's why we need to be writing about motherhood, so women stop being told it's all so "natural." Kerala Taylor wrote a great piece called, "Are White, Middle-Class Women the Unhappiest Mothers?" that may or may not speak to your experience. Thanks so much for your thoughtful comment Lou!
Oh thank you, that certainly sounds interesting - I will have a read! Absolutely a conversation we all need to keep having 🙏🏻
As always spot on! Lots have to change, at the same time to move forward. It is the multidimensional understanding of the situation what gives the answers.
Yaaaas. Exactly! Thanks for reading Virginia :)
Don’t mind me creeping on this post months late! I wholeheartedly agree with this: “We fought for women to enter the workforce, now it’s time for men to participate more fully in caregiving.”
I’m overwhelmed at the thought of being a SAHM, partly because I think I’d benefit from the variety of also working, but also partly because I see how domestic work is viewed as less-than (though I acknowledge this isn’t true, it’s hard to shake). But, I do want my potential future kids to have ample bonding time as they build early attachments. But all these are reasons why we need to make sure we’re simultaneously making it possible for women to (a) have ample maternity leave, (b) be in the workplace and (c) for men to do more caring. We also need better paternity leave because it’s in those early months that imbalanced caregiving ends up happening because the mom spends way more time figuring out how to care for the baby. In an ideal world, after maternity leave I’d love for my (hypothetical lol) husband and I to each work part-time so we both bring our gifts to the public sphere and family.
Sorry for the ramble!
Not a ramble. Agree with all of this!! It’s also a luxury to be able to take pleasure in (find importance in) say doing the dishes bc while it needs to be done, time is so limited especially with little kids and most of us would rather be snuggling with our kids or helping them with homework or writing our novel or or or
Excellent, incisive, and honest. Thanks so much!
Thanks Allison ❤️
Thanks for enlivening this important topic. And yes there are men reading and even enjoying listening!! The numbers on how little we in the USA (compared to Denmark) invest in child care are sobering and distressing. We play catch up building prisons and drug rehab centers and inadequate foster care systems. But your work is helping raise consciousness about the true value of care giving in our capitalist country and world. 'Maybe I'm amazed...'
Thanks so much for your comment David. Such a good point -- we don't invest enough and then we try to clean up the mess, in less constructive ways. It's sad, really.
As always, seeing what conditions are like for women today, giving thoughtful ideas about why that is, and helping us remember that we can take action to change things for the future. I like your encouragement of cooperative living arrangements: with 4 friends, we set up and lived in a cooperative for 21 years, with private apartments but shared space and some shared meals and child care and chores depending on the mix of people. Really helped parenting be less stressful, and I'd still be in a cooperative if there were more such options.
Thanks for a great read!
Thank you thank you! Of course you lived in a cooperative Ann. When I die I want to come back as you (someone who lives cooperatively, makes amazing cups, and has the best gray hair ever)!
I related to so much here! One thing that drives me nuts is that whenever I talk about things like maintaining an organized home, people try to undermine the significance of it. I should lower my standards, they say. Or, it's OK for things to be messy!
First, I'm not naturally a very tidy person -- I'm perfectly OK with some degree of mess. But like you said, an organized home is important to me not for show, but because when I can't f*cking find anything, it makes my life WAY harder. When it comes to domestic labor, people not only constantly diminish the importance of it, but act like I'm just making up unnecessary work for myself and that the real solution is to lower my standards. The real solution is to value the work, share in the work, and allow time for the work. Thank you for such a well-articulated piece (and for the shout-out) -- I look forward to continuing to rewrite motherhood with you and other Substack mothers!
All of this! Seriously, parenting would have been so much easier if I could find things. You're either accused of being obsessive if you complain it's too messy or looked down on if you let it be messy. Can't win.