It's Misogyny and They Know It

How to talk to girls about the election

I can’t speak out loud yet. I can’t cry. I know my numbness will turn into deep heartache for what this means for the basic rights of girls and women, trans people and people of color; for pregnant people who will die wholly unnecessarily, and for immigrant families who will be torn apart. And for the environment. But right now I can’t go there.

Many of us saw this election as a referendum on women’s full citizenship, personhood and dignity and now we’re hearing loudly how little those matter. I’m mourning not just for what this means for our country, but the world. As one Australian reader commented on my last post, “…a Trump win will embolden misogynists and those who would attack women's rights worldwide.” While there are many things that contributed to Trump’s victory and that will become clearer in the days to come, misogyny is at the top of the list.

You cannot elect a convicted rapist and serial harasser and say its the economy. You cannot elect someone who was caught on tape saying, “You know I'm automatically attracted to beautiful women— I just start kissing them…I don’t even wait. And when you're a star they let you do it. You can do anything, grab them by the pussy”—and say it’s immigration.

It’s sexism. It’s racism. It’s xenophobia.

This country wants to control women, punishing them for their progress. Many of our leaders—and the resentful voices of the "manosphere" shaping our sons—blame women for the loneliness and disorientation they feel. They cling to the power they believe they get from a culture that tells them they should have no consequences for what they say or do.

It’s not that the majority want women dying on bathroom floors because they can’t get care for an ectopic pregnancy or a common miscarriage. They don’t necessarily believe women should stay home making babies and serving men (though I believe many men long for that unconsciously.) And yet, their vote screams indifference to girls’ and women’s suffering. They are willing to expose women to harm and degradation to feel better about themselves or their bank accounts. I don’t blame poor people who were subject to a full-on disinformation campaign to make them believe they will be better off economically under Trump. I blame rich and even middle class people whose self-interests trumped (pun intended) the bodily safety of girls and women and gender-marginalized folks. You can only make that decision when you have “othered” a group of people enough to believe they are less human and therefore less worthy.

But we can’t tell our children that, so how should we handle it?

Talking to Girls about the election

My editor and I busted our asses to get out Sexism & Sensibility before the election. We talked about it being a valuable resource for talking to girls about misogyny, especially in the wake of an election where one candidate constantly spews hatred toward women. I am sickened that now it is actually needed more than I ever could have imagined. I am grateful for the emails I got this morning saying that as horrifying as it is, they’re glad they have my book as a guide, and for those reaching out asking how to talk to their daughter about her new President—a man she knows as a bully; the man who not only says awful things about women, but also immigrants, people of color and those with disabilities; the man who bragged about overturning Roe and separating families.

My only rule is not to lie to kids. They’ll know you’re scared and grieving and covering that up will only make them more anxious. Don’t shy away from big issues like sexism, racism, trans rights, immigration. These are common topics in school, online, and in the news and they’re probably floating around in their brains needing explanation anyway. How though, can you explain it without terrifying them? There are always ways to balance the darkness with hope.

• Start by asking how they feel and what they’re thinking. Taking your cues from them will ensure you give them what they’re ready for without creating additional anxiety.

• Tell them you’re sad but that the silver lining of grief is that it’s mobilizing. As Francis Weller said in The Wild Edge of Sorrow: Rituals of Renewal and the Sacred Work of Grief,

  Grief is subversive, undermining the quiet agreement to behave and be in control of our emotions. It is an act of protest that declares our refusal to live numb and small. There is something feral about grief, something essentially outside the ordained and sanctioned behaviors of our culture. Because of that, grief is necessary to the vitality of the soul. Contrary to our fears, grief is suffused with life-force.... It is not a state of deadness or emotional flatness. Grief is alive, wild, untamed and cannot be domesticated. It resists the demands to remain passive and still.

• It’s okay to tell them or remind them that America was founded on genocide and that, sadly, oppression is woven into our history. The important part of this is to get across that so much of what’s right about our country hasn’t come from the government, but from people standing up to injustice. Give them examples, such as the 1912 Bread and Roses Strike, which was organized by female immigrant workers in the US. and is one of the most significant struggles in the country’s labor history, yet as

  Katie Jgln
  explains in Who Is Really Afraid of Empowered Women?, it’s not even mentioned in most history textbooks.

• Tell them that one reason these men were elected is because of the strength we truly hold. Our collective power is intimidating to people who are not ready for change and growth.

• Remind them that there people out there who are going to stand up for your family’s values and fight so everyone has equal rights.

• Talk about the concrete ways they can make a difference, such as getting involved in local politics, starting a human rights club at school, and volunteering at or donating some of their allowance to organizations fighting for what’s right.

• If you’re a family with privilege, explain that you’re lucky; that you will be protected for now. But also explain that it is your responsibility to use that privilege as a tool against the system that granted it to you.

• Tell them we owe it to ourselves and those more vulnerable—as well as to our country—to never, ever let fear hold us back. Especially now.

Holding all of you in my heart today. Only community will get us through! Please use the comments to ask questions and support one another.