I'm Sick of Hearing About Male Loneliness

It's high time for men to adapt

My book Sexism and Sensibility arrived at a weird time. I signed my book deal just a month before Roe was overturned, and wrote it as women’s rights were actively—if somewhat covertly—being dismantled. Still, the idea that sexism was largely behind us prevailed in mainstream discourse. By the time Sexism & Sensibility—a book about the need to raise strong, resilient girls in this still-sexist society—was released, cultural concern for boys and men had reached a fever pitch. Books, podcasts, and research on male loneliness and raising boys were everywhere.

That’s the thing about backlash, you don’t realize the full extent of it until it smacks you hard in the face. After my book debuted—just two months before Trump was elected—I found myself in interviews either having to prove that sexism still existed or, slightly more gratifyingly, hearing interviewers say that Sexism & Sensibility opened their eyes to just how much bullshit girls still endure. And every single interview, to a tee, wanted to talk about the boys.

Don’t get me wrong—we need to address the epidemic of male loneliness both because it’s a breeding ground for misogyny (and, apparently, fascism) and because our sons deserve better. A patriarchal culture creates a nonexistent binary between the sexes as a way to give men more power, and while it succeeds in that, it weakens everyone. There’s plenty of research to show that kids who reject strict gender norms and are more psychologically androgynous—meaning they possess personality characteristics of both genders—tend to have higher self-esteem and fewer sexist beliefs, feel less pressure to conform, and do better academically and psychologically. They also tend to show more creativity and cognitive flexibility, have fewer mental health symptoms, and report more life satisfaction.

Pushing a rigid understanding of gender weakens society as a whole because we each possess fewer of those qualities listed. And because our relationships suffer. It’s hard to treat people fairly when you believe you’re more deserving. Heterosexual couples are a case in point. Men are brought up to believe anything feminine is lacking or inferior so they devalue their female partners and any so-called feminine qualities like relationships, compromise and caring.

And then they wonder why they’re so lonely.

The failure to recognize the link between men’s sense of superiority and their own suffering is where I lose patience. Instead of recognizing the relief and countless benefits that come when men and women are allowed to own their natural fluidity, they demand even more rigid gender roles.

Rigid gender roles are good for approximately no one. Well, except for those in power who feel the need to maintain the hierarchy at all costs because they have so little else. You see, they’ve already sacrificed those things that make life worth living: empathy and connection, giving back, crafting a legacy rooted in meaning, not just money and power. So they hang onto power for dear life and pass this mindset onto future generations of boys.

We’ve taught girls, however, that they are more than domestic servants. Over generations they’ve learned their minds, their time, and their life satisfaction matter as much as men’s¹ (notice I said as much as not more than and yet insisting on full equality makes us nagging ingrates).

But men continue to feel entitled to women’t free labor.

They believe their time matters more than women’s. That domestic labor is unworthy of their attention. I can’t count the number of times I’ve heard women in my psychology practice wonder how their male partner justifies spending hours in the bathroom as she tends to the kids and the house. Or how frustrating it is that he throws things willy nilly into the dishwasher, knowing that if she wants the kitchen to run smoothly, and an efficient, full, and climate-conscious dishwasher run, she’ll have to reorganize it. Or how, after she painstakingly arranges their entire social calendar—for them and their children—he still finds a way to criticize it. Over and over I hear from women, “My labor matters!” “Why doesn’t my time and effort get valued?” “He thinks it’s easy!” “Where is his shame?”

69% of divorces are initiated by women, often leaving men blindsided—despite the years their partner spent begging and bargaining for change, simply asking to be treated as someone equally deserving of a fulfilling life. How does this happen? Because every time she spoke up—whether calmly or irately—he dismissed it as nagging. Selfish, hurtful, or abusive behaviors destroy relationships.

And then men wonder why they’re so lonely.

Why oh why is it so hard for the supposedly Highly Rational Man to recognize this doomed pattern?

Some men do, of course. And as a therapist I’m fortunate to witness men doing the work to understand the consequences of their actions and how they may be standing in their own way of meaningful relationships. Conditioning, though, is deep and long and many men aren’t interested. Digging out of the cushy quicksand they’ve been told they’re entitled to relax into isn’t appealing. But quicksand kills.

So more and more women are choosing to remain single. With greater access to education, economic independence, birth control, and divorce, they no longer have to tiptoe around male fragility or tolerate misogyny. They have options—and they’re increasingly unwilling to settle for men who refuse to evolve into equal partners.

45% of women aged 25–44 are expected to be single by 2030, yet we’re not worried about women’s loneliness. Why? Because few things are lonelier than being unseen and unheard within a relationship.

It must be terribly disorienting for a man to be rejected by someone he’s been taught is beneath him. But instead of self-reflection and self-improvement, too many men seek refuge in the online manosphere—a metastasizing tumor of resentment that thrives on the belief that women are selfish, manipulative status-chasers. It may be toxic, but for a bruised ego, its swollen mass offers a deceptive kind of comfort—a place to sink into rather than heal.

The Andrew Tates of the world tell them feminism is responsible for their loneliness and Jordan Peterson tells his legions of followers that “enforced monogamy” is the answer to the violent attacks by single men. He explains to them that a patriarchal hierarchy is natural due to “men’s competence.” Wait, is he talking about the men who can’t cook or do laundry and who solve problems by driving a van into crowds of people? Now I’m confused.

For centuries women have had to adapt themselves to a world made for boys and men. They have had to navigate the barriers and challenges on their own, developing intricate frameworks for empowerment and finding ways to turn those into reality. But now that boys and men are hurting, society is scrambling to accommodate their needs. And by scrambling, I mean clawing its way back to full male dominion. So yet again, it will be women who need to do the work if we want this crisis of masculinity resolved in a way that doesn’t unravel the progress we’ve fought for.

This is where my impatience grows. It’s time for men to do the adapting. And what hardships exactly are we asking them to adapt to? To women who are more than warm bodies providing domestic labor and passive companionship. Even those men who are not incels and men’s rights activists seem to resist the more we’ve become. Yes, it means shouldering more of the daily grind—but with that comes the deep rewards of care and connection. Yes, it demands emotional vulnerability—but with that comes intimacy and joy. Yes, it means going beyond holding the door for a woman and actively considering gendered power dynamics, but with that comes the kind of partnership that elevates both people.

It’s not rocket science. For women not to be caged, men have to modernize. Ironically, these changes will give men more access to their whole identities and the full spectrum of emotions. Women’s equality isn’t the problem, it’s men’s resistance to it. And we know resistance to change is often the underlying source of human suffering.

Can’t they see the power of being with someone who inspires and challenges them? Someone they can be open and unguarded with? Someone who is happy to fold his underwear—rather than seethe with resentment—because she knows he folds hers too?

The psychologist in me understands it’s not that easy; that the warped way we socialize boys from birth makes it difficult to see the benefits of any of this. Just mentioning a different version of manhood can trigger defensiveness because masculinity has been so doggedly enforced that it can feel inseparable from their identities.

The woman in me says get with the fucking program.

It’s time for men not just to recognize the full humanity of women, but to step fully into their own—to grow beyond entitlement and into the kind of adult that makes real partnership possible. Then men will no longer have to die alone.

1. We still have a long way to go because we give girls many mixed messages, but that’s where Sexism & Sensibility comes in!

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FREE WEBINAR ANNOUNCEMENT

Stop Sexual Assault in Schools (SSAIS.org) is holding a FREE webinar that may be of interest called “Addressing the Rise and Impact of Misogyny Among Students in Grades 6-12”

WHAT: This webinar dives into the manosphere and includes practical strategies for addressing gender-based bias, sexist language and attitudes, online harassment, and media consumption.

WHEN: March 25, 2025

WHERE: Virtual. Register and watch anytime at: https://tinyurl.com/mtbv9z2e.

FOR WHO: The webinar is for a wide audience: teachers, counselors, school admin, therapists, parents, students age12+, youth and gender equity organizations and advocates, among others. Includes PD credit.