I think about this so much! Especially when family, friends, and strangers comment on how beautiful my daughter is. I've always tried to focus and nurture her true strengths, but I wish I'd spoken up more when people made these comments to her (or to me, in front of her) when she was younger.
My older cousin recently told me (in front of my daughter) that she looks like a supermodel and should consider a career in modeling. My daughter is 12. I told my cousin that my daughter has so many talents, strengths, and things she works hard at -- plus, we don't need to be thinking about careers quite yet! Then I asked my daughter to share a bit about her recent basketball and track seasons.
What I find ironic is that many more women than men have commented on my daughter's beauty. C'mon ladies! Let's send better messages to our younger generations.
Yeah it's sad how much more focus goes to girls' appearances than the myriad character traits and skills that they actually have some control over. And I think women are more cognizant of appearance because that same focus has been on them their whole lives. It's a tough habit to break but yeah, we gotta break it!
“She kept her own intelligence a secret, maybe even from herself, so it wouldn’t distract from her beauty” Its so crazy to me how far my mom and grandma went to not appear smart- they both frequently called themselves stupid, say they hated school, my grandma would say she didn’t want to be seen as a “brainiac” girl. But both definitely wanted to be seen as pretty and skinny their entire lives.
And my mom’s stories of sexual assault that she shrugs off are wild! Like a landlord who she caught voyeuring in her bushes multiple times that she shrugged off. Or having her butt slapped by a stranger while on a run. Shrug. So wild.
arghh. It's so maddening. Sadly, there's still so much shrugging going on today (understandably, we all want to fit in and when we speak out we often get no where) :( Thanks for reading and commenting!
My great-grandmother had bound feet and was barely literate, despite having grown up privileged. It was just how things were in China back in the early 20th century. My grandmother, on the other hand, finished high school. Big step forward. However, she grew up in a home where her mom was the main wife and there were also concubines. Yes, we're talking sister wives. While I totally think it's sexist, I find it difficult to fully address the sexism because I can't seem to bring to terms how to address something that is completely unacceptable and illegal today, yet was a thing middle class and wealthy men did in the 1920s. In fact, this was legal in Hong Kong until....get this...1970 or so. I know people my age (40s) with two grandmothers on each side of the family, not because they're steps, but because their grandfathers had two wives (well, a wife and a concubine). It would be like calling Bridgerton sexist because teenage girls made their debuts to society just to be part of the marriage market (which, by the way, didn't end until 1957. Debutante balls still exist today, but they're charity balls) and avoiding binging on the Netflix series or reading the books. I accept it as a "that was then" situation.
BTW, according to my dad, being the MAIN WIFE's child, gives you more privileges, whether you're male or female. I think this would depend on the family, however.
This is so fascinating Cynthia and also sad. It was just the way it was back then but I'd argue that doesn't mean it wasn't sexist. Any society that sees women's only power coming from their appearance and sexuality and doesn't support other strengths and leadership roles is inherently sexist. Thank you for sharing some about your family history! I'm curious how those gender roles and sexist traditions have trickled down in your life or have been actively fought against...?
I don't know. I'm not super-"woke" and the forcing of it on society gives me a lot of anxiety. I just live my life the way it is. I DO know that my grandmother was sort of a "Tiger Mom" to my mother and uncle. Both were expected to go to university. My mother went to one of the best girls' only Catholic schools in Hong Kong, I believe on a bursary. She then spent what they'd call Sixth Form College in the UK at a boys' school that took girls in for sixth form since it had a better STEM focus. That's where she met my dad but they didn't date at the time. Good, studious teens in 1960s Hong Kong did not date. They DID go out in university and moved to Canada for graduate school. Mom worked in the IT field until the early 90s when she left as my dad was transferred abroad (I only stayed for a year. She and I moved back to Toronto afterwards and my dad commuted back and forth).
These days, I find that I'm that typical mom - I actually find that my husband, an Xennial like me (we're both turning 45 this year) plays LESS of an active role in raising our son than my BOOMER AGED dad did with me. I've tried to talk to him about this, but he always tells me it's back (which DOES have issues...he's in physio and chiro for that). He phubs (plays with his phone during family dinner) a lot, especially when my parents are here (I need to talk to my parents about it. It just dawned on me that it's because my parents switch back and forth between Cantonese and English and my husband, who is not of Chinese heritage, feels left out). I don't mind the cooking part (we have a cleaning person and a nanny), but I DO mind that HE can act like he's 16 from time to time. At least he doesn't expect me to SERVE him. What I DO have an issue with is when people call out the past from a 2024 perspective. It just...bothers me some how.
I hear you. Without examining the past, though, it’s hard to move forward… to make progress. That doesn’t mean women HAVE to do it differently, just that they should have the choice to, say, be literate, go to Uni, have a career, etc.
Sometimes you don’t have a choice. My paternal grandmother’s schooling was disrupted by war. Until she died, I thought it was because the family was poor. I only found out her father was a newspaper editor a few months ago. They were middle class and she should have gone to high school. But Japan invaded and they were displaced. Her older sister was lucky and graduated just before. After the war, my great aunt was able to get her degree. And a master’s too.
I was teased for being "ugly' in elementary school and then I guess I blossomed by my teens, and I was told quite the opposite. Most of my comments were about my appearance. I was being noticed for something I though. I did not feel invisible anymore. Attractiveness and youth is a superpower, in society! I had so much more to offer, besides that, but that was not noticed. I look back at many times men were sexually inappropriate to me, (verbally) including a pastor when I was in my teens and an older therapist when I was in my 20s. It took many years to realize how disgusting their behavior was. There was more by males, but it blended in I thought it was normal. It was not. It made me feel so small inside. At a job when I was 20 I was told to lighten up and dance on the desk like the last secretary. Seriously?! I was shamed for having morals and standing up for myself
Now I'm a woman in my 50s and yes, my body is changing, I am aging, and it is difficult in a society that expects you to look 30 at 50. There is still a part of me underneath that questions my worth as I age as a woman. I know it's wrong to feel that way, and that adds to the guilt.
NOT WRONG! Totally understandable. Pretty much every woman I know, including me, has a hard time thinking her sagging boobs or neck or whatever doesn’t make her grotesque to other people. We’ve been trained to believe our most important asset is our appearance. Thank you for your comment. You articulate so well how the emphasis on our appearance and desirability can make us feel small and that it’s confusing because we’re supposed to like it. It’s maddening really.
Thanks so much. I'm glad I don't feel alone, but I'm so sad that so many of us feel that way. I know for one I don't look at others that way at all, but I judge myself so harshly. I see so much I admire in other women I know. Why can't I do that dor myself. I would never dream of talking to my worst enemy that way
Exactly. We look at other women as whole people and at ourselves like a collection of body parts and scrutinize them one by one. Today my yoga teacher said self-love is a practice and though i’m usually turned off by woo woo, this struck me as exactly right.
That's so true!! One day I will feel back about my neck and that's all I see. The next day, I have menopausal bloat and all I see is my belly. Yesterday I felt pretty for about an hour. I dressed up for church. I didn't feel the flaws. If I said I look great in this dress would it be arrogance? At the same time it seems more appropriate to tear myself down. Does it make sense?
I think about this so much! Especially when family, friends, and strangers comment on how beautiful my daughter is. I've always tried to focus and nurture her true strengths, but I wish I'd spoken up more when people made these comments to her (or to me, in front of her) when she was younger.
My older cousin recently told me (in front of my daughter) that she looks like a supermodel and should consider a career in modeling. My daughter is 12. I told my cousin that my daughter has so many talents, strengths, and things she works hard at -- plus, we don't need to be thinking about careers quite yet! Then I asked my daughter to share a bit about her recent basketball and track seasons.
What I find ironic is that many more women than men have commented on my daughter's beauty. C'mon ladies! Let's send better messages to our younger generations.
Yeah it's sad how much more focus goes to girls' appearances than the myriad character traits and skills that they actually have some control over. And I think women are more cognizant of appearance because that same focus has been on them their whole lives. It's a tough habit to break but yeah, we gotta break it!
“She kept her own intelligence a secret, maybe even from herself, so it wouldn’t distract from her beauty” Its so crazy to me how far my mom and grandma went to not appear smart- they both frequently called themselves stupid, say they hated school, my grandma would say she didn’t want to be seen as a “brainiac” girl. But both definitely wanted to be seen as pretty and skinny their entire lives.
And my mom’s stories of sexual assault that she shrugs off are wild! Like a landlord who she caught voyeuring in her bushes multiple times that she shrugged off. Or having her butt slapped by a stranger while on a run. Shrug. So wild.
arghh. It's so maddening. Sadly, there's still so much shrugging going on today (understandably, we all want to fit in and when we speak out we often get no where) :( Thanks for reading and commenting!
My great-grandmother had bound feet and was barely literate, despite having grown up privileged. It was just how things were in China back in the early 20th century. My grandmother, on the other hand, finished high school. Big step forward. However, she grew up in a home where her mom was the main wife and there were also concubines. Yes, we're talking sister wives. While I totally think it's sexist, I find it difficult to fully address the sexism because I can't seem to bring to terms how to address something that is completely unacceptable and illegal today, yet was a thing middle class and wealthy men did in the 1920s. In fact, this was legal in Hong Kong until....get this...1970 or so. I know people my age (40s) with two grandmothers on each side of the family, not because they're steps, but because their grandfathers had two wives (well, a wife and a concubine). It would be like calling Bridgerton sexist because teenage girls made their debuts to society just to be part of the marriage market (which, by the way, didn't end until 1957. Debutante balls still exist today, but they're charity balls) and avoiding binging on the Netflix series or reading the books. I accept it as a "that was then" situation.
BTW, according to my dad, being the MAIN WIFE's child, gives you more privileges, whether you're male or female. I think this would depend on the family, however.
This is so fascinating Cynthia and also sad. It was just the way it was back then but I'd argue that doesn't mean it wasn't sexist. Any society that sees women's only power coming from their appearance and sexuality and doesn't support other strengths and leadership roles is inherently sexist. Thank you for sharing some about your family history! I'm curious how those gender roles and sexist traditions have trickled down in your life or have been actively fought against...?
I don't know. I'm not super-"woke" and the forcing of it on society gives me a lot of anxiety. I just live my life the way it is. I DO know that my grandmother was sort of a "Tiger Mom" to my mother and uncle. Both were expected to go to university. My mother went to one of the best girls' only Catholic schools in Hong Kong, I believe on a bursary. She then spent what they'd call Sixth Form College in the UK at a boys' school that took girls in for sixth form since it had a better STEM focus. That's where she met my dad but they didn't date at the time. Good, studious teens in 1960s Hong Kong did not date. They DID go out in university and moved to Canada for graduate school. Mom worked in the IT field until the early 90s when she left as my dad was transferred abroad (I only stayed for a year. She and I moved back to Toronto afterwards and my dad commuted back and forth).
These days, I find that I'm that typical mom - I actually find that my husband, an Xennial like me (we're both turning 45 this year) plays LESS of an active role in raising our son than my BOOMER AGED dad did with me. I've tried to talk to him about this, but he always tells me it's back (which DOES have issues...he's in physio and chiro for that). He phubs (plays with his phone during family dinner) a lot, especially when my parents are here (I need to talk to my parents about it. It just dawned on me that it's because my parents switch back and forth between Cantonese and English and my husband, who is not of Chinese heritage, feels left out). I don't mind the cooking part (we have a cleaning person and a nanny), but I DO mind that HE can act like he's 16 from time to time. At least he doesn't expect me to SERVE him. What I DO have an issue with is when people call out the past from a 2024 perspective. It just...bothers me some how.
I hear you. Without examining the past, though, it’s hard to move forward… to make progress. That doesn’t mean women HAVE to do it differently, just that they should have the choice to, say, be literate, go to Uni, have a career, etc.
Sometimes you don’t have a choice. My paternal grandmother’s schooling was disrupted by war. Until she died, I thought it was because the family was poor. I only found out her father was a newspaper editor a few months ago. They were middle class and she should have gone to high school. But Japan invaded and they were displaced. Her older sister was lucky and graduated just before. After the war, my great aunt was able to get her degree. And a master’s too.
Such important, stimulating ideas that we need to think about ourselves, and discuss with our daughters and grandaughters.
Monica
Thanks Monica!
I was teased for being "ugly' in elementary school and then I guess I blossomed by my teens, and I was told quite the opposite. Most of my comments were about my appearance. I was being noticed for something I though. I did not feel invisible anymore. Attractiveness and youth is a superpower, in society! I had so much more to offer, besides that, but that was not noticed. I look back at many times men were sexually inappropriate to me, (verbally) including a pastor when I was in my teens and an older therapist when I was in my 20s. It took many years to realize how disgusting their behavior was. There was more by males, but it blended in I thought it was normal. It was not. It made me feel so small inside. At a job when I was 20 I was told to lighten up and dance on the desk like the last secretary. Seriously?! I was shamed for having morals and standing up for myself
Now I'm a woman in my 50s and yes, my body is changing, I am aging, and it is difficult in a society that expects you to look 30 at 50. There is still a part of me underneath that questions my worth as I age as a woman. I know it's wrong to feel that way, and that adds to the guilt.
NOT WRONG! Totally understandable. Pretty much every woman I know, including me, has a hard time thinking her sagging boobs or neck or whatever doesn’t make her grotesque to other people. We’ve been trained to believe our most important asset is our appearance. Thank you for your comment. You articulate so well how the emphasis on our appearance and desirability can make us feel small and that it’s confusing because we’re supposed to like it. It’s maddening really.
Thanks so much. I'm glad I don't feel alone, but I'm so sad that so many of us feel that way. I know for one I don't look at others that way at all, but I judge myself so harshly. I see so much I admire in other women I know. Why can't I do that dor myself. I would never dream of talking to my worst enemy that way
Exactly. We look at other women as whole people and at ourselves like a collection of body parts and scrutinize them one by one. Today my yoga teacher said self-love is a practice and though i’m usually turned off by woo woo, this struck me as exactly right.
That's so true!! One day I will feel back about my neck and that's all I see. The next day, I have menopausal bloat and all I see is my belly. Yesterday I felt pretty for about an hour. I dressed up for church. I didn't feel the flaws. If I said I look great in this dress would it be arrogance? At the same time it seems more appropriate to tear myself down. Does it make sense?
The way you feel is never wrong. The actions by others are though.
Totally!!
So true