An expert on supervising says we need to look for and comment on the things that are done right (the way we want them done), e. g. "I appreciated that you put your shoes away." And that 10 of these need to come before every criticism we make.
Yes, but…I can’t find 10 things she does right! I try, and I know I’m bad a T positive feedback, but when every task is not done, sloppily done, or only halfway done, it’s hard. I find myself saying, thanks for clearing the table, but could you please put the dishes in the dishwasher, not the sink? She knows this, but just doesn’t do it. I get resentful because every unfinished task is one more that I have to clean up after. And they pile up so fast! And I hear you, she definitely goes quickly to the I’m a terrible person place and while I keep actively rejecting that statement and giving her an alternative storyline like, you just forgot, but then it seems like just one more thing she’s doing wrong and I’m correcting her. I can literally see the damage I’ve done and am doing but I don’t know how to fix it while still teaching her.
Does she brush her teeth? Does she have friends? Put on her own clothes? Sometimes set the table, wash a dish, play with a sibling, say something nice to a neighbor, speak respectfully? Keep looking . If you were brought on criticism it will be hard. It took me a very long time. My mother always said you didn't get credit for things you were supposed to do. 🤐 If we tell them something's wrong they know something's wrong but they don't necessarily know what you want. Good luck. 💐
I feel you, Leona. I wonder if there could be sensory stuff, ADHD, or anything else going on that make chores extra icky or make it difficult to follow through on tasks.
Wow, I was not expecting this to be so impactful when I began reading it… I mean I totally related to the feeling of shame (god I hate that feeling, and honestly it can be hard for me to shake) but then what your daughter said… I screeched to a halt in my head and went, oh CRAP. I can be hard(er) on my oldest child (non-binary born female) and often feel exasperated by their lack of helping out and (seemingly) constant inability to remember certain basic things… and some of my expectations are valid - like you said we as parents are trying to teach them independence and responsibility, but sometimes I see that flash of shame or irritability on their face and now I realize I can temper my expectations or at least shift the way I express them. Thank you for offering real practical advice! And thank you for the reminder. And also, is it ok that I’m still annoyed at your yoga teacher? :)
Ha! Yes. Truth be told...I'm still the tiniest bit annoyed too. I'm so glad this piece spoke to you. It is SO HARD not to get (openly) exasperated when the things that seem so obvious don't get done. Or even just zip it and hope for the best. I walked into my daughter's room THIS MORNING and "Oh, you still need to clean up" slipped right out of my mouth. We have someone coming to help us clean today which she knows and I did not need to state the obvious. Sigh.
This is such an amazing post - and really important for parents to remember. I understand why people have a general "annoying" feeling about teens. In groups out in public, they're often not the best ambassadors for youth. But having a 14 year old at home, I appreciate seeing the world (a bit) through her eyes. It is so hard navigating life when you're either being dismissed or scolded. Not nearly enough positive feedback. Not nearly enough listening. Thank you for writing this!
Thank you so much Kate! I remember when I was younger--when I still had very clear memories of being a teen myself--saying teens are terrible and I would never want to work with them. They can say the meanest (truest) things and, yes, in crowds they sometimes embolden each other to be their worst selves. I ended up joining the adolescent track in my doctoral program and have loved parenting teens, even more than the littles.
I remember having the same thought! I didn’t like teenagers when I was a teenager. But having a teen kid is totally changing my mind and helping me look at this in a very different way.
Thanks, This is impactful encouragement to practice kindness and restraint with everyone, especially young people. Avoiding the "perception of criticism" is a huge challenge. Your "one word" advice resonated with me as a surgical process to remind without hectoring. And one word is all it takes for me to be reminded of a chore/responsibility. The rest are for the benefit of the person reminding.
So true. Even if I add a short phrase like, "I'm not the dish fairy" I'm told I'm going on and on. Sometimes they do need to hear our full complaint but not most of the time.
An expert on supervising says we need to look for and comment on the things that are done right (the way we want them done), e. g. "I appreciated that you put your shoes away." And that 10 of these need to come before every criticism we make.
Yes, but…I can’t find 10 things she does right! I try, and I know I’m bad a T positive feedback, but when every task is not done, sloppily done, or only halfway done, it’s hard. I find myself saying, thanks for clearing the table, but could you please put the dishes in the dishwasher, not the sink? She knows this, but just doesn’t do it. I get resentful because every unfinished task is one more that I have to clean up after. And they pile up so fast! And I hear you, she definitely goes quickly to the I’m a terrible person place and while I keep actively rejecting that statement and giving her an alternative storyline like, you just forgot, but then it seems like just one more thing she’s doing wrong and I’m correcting her. I can literally see the damage I’ve done and am doing but I don’t know how to fix it while still teaching her.
Does she brush her teeth? Does she have friends? Put on her own clothes? Sometimes set the table, wash a dish, play with a sibling, say something nice to a neighbor, speak respectfully? Keep looking . If you were brought on criticism it will be hard. It took me a very long time. My mother always said you didn't get credit for things you were supposed to do. 🤐 If we tell them something's wrong they know something's wrong but they don't necessarily know what you want. Good luck. 💐
I feel you, Leona. I wonder if there could be sensory stuff, ADHD, or anything else going on that make chores extra icky or make it difficult to follow through on tasks.
YES! Such a good point. Criticism sticks and crowds out praise so that makes perfect sense.
Wow, I was not expecting this to be so impactful when I began reading it… I mean I totally related to the feeling of shame (god I hate that feeling, and honestly it can be hard for me to shake) but then what your daughter said… I screeched to a halt in my head and went, oh CRAP. I can be hard(er) on my oldest child (non-binary born female) and often feel exasperated by their lack of helping out and (seemingly) constant inability to remember certain basic things… and some of my expectations are valid - like you said we as parents are trying to teach them independence and responsibility, but sometimes I see that flash of shame or irritability on their face and now I realize I can temper my expectations or at least shift the way I express them. Thank you for offering real practical advice! And thank you for the reminder. And also, is it ok that I’m still annoyed at your yoga teacher? :)
Ha! Yes. Truth be told...I'm still the tiniest bit annoyed too. I'm so glad this piece spoke to you. It is SO HARD not to get (openly) exasperated when the things that seem so obvious don't get done. Or even just zip it and hope for the best. I walked into my daughter's room THIS MORNING and "Oh, you still need to clean up" slipped right out of my mouth. We have someone coming to help us clean today which she knows and I did not need to state the obvious. Sigh.
This is such an amazing post - and really important for parents to remember. I understand why people have a general "annoying" feeling about teens. In groups out in public, they're often not the best ambassadors for youth. But having a 14 year old at home, I appreciate seeing the world (a bit) through her eyes. It is so hard navigating life when you're either being dismissed or scolded. Not nearly enough positive feedback. Not nearly enough listening. Thank you for writing this!
Thank you so much Kate! I remember when I was younger--when I still had very clear memories of being a teen myself--saying teens are terrible and I would never want to work with them. They can say the meanest (truest) things and, yes, in crowds they sometimes embolden each other to be their worst selves. I ended up joining the adolescent track in my doctoral program and have loved parenting teens, even more than the littles.
I remember having the same thought! I didn’t like teenagers when I was a teenager. But having a teen kid is totally changing my mind and helping me look at this in a very different way.
Thanks, This is impactful encouragement to practice kindness and restraint with everyone, especially young people. Avoiding the "perception of criticism" is a huge challenge. Your "one word" advice resonated with me as a surgical process to remind without hectoring. And one word is all it takes for me to be reminded of a chore/responsibility. The rest are for the benefit of the person reminding.
So true. Even if I add a short phrase like, "I'm not the dish fairy" I'm told I'm going on and on. Sometimes they do need to hear our full complaint but not most of the time.
Namaste. And thank you for this enlightening post.
I aim to please :)
This is such a relatable and useful essay — thank you!
Thank you Allison!