Girl Interrupted (Boy Interrupting)
Helping girls find (and keep) their voices
Let me tell you about Robyn
When my patient Robyn1, a bright and curious college Freshman, first came to therapy one of her complaints was that she felt “dumb” and had trouble speaking up in group settings. “What’s wrong with me?” she wanted to know. Robyn had excellent grades and described boisterous conversations about books, movies, and the latest party with close friends, but outside her friend circle she remained quiet. A little more exploration revealed that growing up, Robyn felt her parents, though loving, “had ears for my brother and eyes for me.” By this, Robyn meant they listened to and showed interest in her brother, but mainly focused on her appearance, whether complimenting or nitpicking her body. Like most girls, Robyn had come to understand her appearance was her most important asset, and she believed her intellectual contributions were uninteresting. This was reaffirmed in school and at work where Robyn was frequently interrupted. One of her male supervisors had also commented on her “smokin’ bod.”
Girl Interrupted, Boy Interrupting
It's not all in Robyn’s head (or yours or your daughter’s). It's a fact: Robyn’s living in a culture in which women speak less in mixed company and are interrupted more and taken less seriously when they do speak. A study at George Washington University found men interrupted their female conversational partners 33 percent more often than they interrupted other men. Decades of research find similar results, including that women interrupt other women more than they do men. You might think it’s because women talk more, but that’s a false cultural perception. Men are actually the more talkative gender in classroom discussions, professional contexts, and even romantic relationships. Even female Supreme Court justices are three times more likely to suffer interruptions than their male colleagues.
Given the difference in respect afforded to girls’ and boys’ speech, those adult patterns should come as no surprise. In schools, boys are encouraged to take up more air time. They’re eight times more likely to call out answers than girls, and when they do, they’re more likely to be listened to by teachers. We reward boys for being assertive but call the same behavior from girls impolite or aggressive. Boys come to trust their voices and girls to doubt theirs.
The Gender Double-Bind
In my forthcoming book about raising girls in a sexist world, I tell Robyn’s story in more detail. In a nutshell, the focus on her body at the expense of her mind and voice led to a loss of confidence in her intellectual strength but through therapy she reconnected with a sense of herself as smart and capable. She began to feel safer demanding the floor and insisting she be allowed to finish when interrupted. But a frustrating, if predictable, thing happened. Robyn found herself right in the middle of a gender double bind: when asserting herself more, she was accused of being too demanding or overconfident. Knowing Robyn, it was hard to imagine her being either of those. As she tried to engage during a “conversation” with her brother, he snapped at her not to interrupt. Robyn was floored and said “Have you noticed we’ve been on the phone for 20 minutes and I’ve barely spoken?” Her brother shot back, “Oh here we go; little miss sensitive.”
Those who give problems a name become the problems themselves. This is what entrenched, unconscious sexism looks like. Robyn’s brother isn’t a horrible person who despises women. But he lives in a society that both accepts male dominion and teaches men their knowledge and opinions are worth more, sometimes even than those of women much more qualified than them (enter: Mansplaining). His interrupting is a function of unconscious bias and learned behavior.
Interrupting the Vicious Cycle
Chronically talked over, and immersed all their lives in norms that subtly favor and elevate male speech, the message girls have little of value to say sinks in. This diminished sense of self creates a vicious cycle: By being denied a sense of their own credibility, girls and women are more likely to speak softly and with more hesitation, making it easier for them to be interrupted. And, like Robyn, they’re less likely to share their ideas. That’s a loss not just for women but for the world, deprived of so many ideas and potential future leaders.
As therapists witness time and again, however, once people have the experience of being deeply listened to and valued, they know they’re entitled to more, and the intimidation loses its power. Robyn said, “I was hurt, but for once I knew it wasn’t me. I had something worthwhile to say, and he didn’t care to hear it.” Robyn’s brother shut her down by suggesting her feelings weren’t valid, rendering her powerless to confront the dynamic—the aspect of sexism that makes it all the more maddening—so Robyn told me, “I shut up and went back to being the good listener who has no opinions or ideas.” A few days later, Robyn emailed her scientist brother several links to research showing girls and women are frequently interrupted. She asked that he try to pay attention during their future conversations to see if he might unconsciously believe she has little to say and be speaking over her. He hadn’t responded but about six weeks later he called her and said, “You’re right. I’ve been watching myself with you and other people, and I’m definitely worse at listening to women.”
The relief of having your social experience validated cannot be overstated and having her brother acknowledge a lifelong sense of injustice that had been denied and mocked, made a huge difference for Robyn. She vowed to give her voice more credence and be more compassionate with herself when she was ignored or interrupted. Robyn found that by being more assertive and simply holding the expectation she be heard, she was.
Four Ways to Support Your Daughter’s Voice:
LISTEN: Make a conscious effort to invite your daughter to participate in family discussions and to debate with you. If you really listen and appreciate her unique way of seeing the world, quick-wittedness, interesting perspective, or amazing memory, she’ll be more naturally willing to fight to be heard in those spaces where there’s the risk of being assumed ignorant, intrusive, or incompetent (simply because she’s a girl).
SELF-ADVOCACY: Harness small moments where she can practice using her voice: ordering her own food at a restaurant or asking questions of the bookstore owner, pediatrician, or vet. Self-assertion is integral both to a girl’s safety and to her future in the work world, so rather than step in, teach your daughter to advocate for herself.
TEACH THESE 3 PHRASES: Soraya Chemaly, an author and activist who writes about gender norms, says there are 10 words every girl should practice: “Stop interrupting me.” “I just said that.” “No explanation needed.” BOOM! Imagine your daughter growing up and setting a similar tone in a meeting or presentation at work.
MAKE ROOM FOR GIRLS’ VOICES: Finally, we can—no, we must—teach our sons to be mindful of listening to girls and of making sure they aren’t dominating conversations.
The stories I draw on from my work have been altered to disguise any identifying details.
By clicking the ❤️button, you can help others discover The Feminist Parent on Substack