"“You should never have to grovel for love,” I’ve told my daughter more than once. “The person you choose should choose you back.” Love is a verb comes in handy here. We can tell them that it doesn’t matter if someone feels love, if he can’t show it most of the time. Tell them it doesn’t matter, even if they understand his trauma."
^these ideas would have saved me literal years of pain and therapy if I'd heard them growing up
Right?! In Sexism & Sensibility, this is what I say re talking about it with my daughter: "There’s no guarantee that will save her from similar heartbreaks, but oh, how I wish I’d understood that concept as a teen."
"..... because you can’t compete with the social rewards he otherwise reaps from stoicism and an unequal stratification of power." ...... So maybe we should also be educating our sons how to stop being so influenced by peer pressure to be stoic and expecting to always be in charge. Teach them instead how to be real men who are caring and supporting. Love is, after all, truly a two-way street.
Absolutely we should be helping boys understand that a patriarchal culture demands they shut down their emotional lives and miss out on the richness of relationships.
Thanks for this. One of my 11-year-olds has recently expressed interest in romance novels, which I read, and I told her I'm happy to help her find appropriate stories, but that we should talk about the differences between (classic) romance and real life. (I know the romance genre is getting more real, luckily, but still.) This gave me some helpful ideas on what to talk about.
So lovely and helpful, Jo-ann. As I was reading this I thought perhaps I could have used a little more relationship guidance as a young teen...but would I have listened? I don't know. Wonderful guidance as always.
Thanks Kathryn! It's true kids need to have their own experiences to really learn but with some wise tips in their back pocket maybe they'll make sense of things before it becomes a pattern or before things really go awry. We can hope!
"“You should never have to grovel for love,” I’ve told my daughter more than once. “The person you choose should choose you back.” Love is a verb comes in handy here. We can tell them that it doesn’t matter if someone feels love, if he can’t show it most of the time. Tell them it doesn’t matter, even if they understand his trauma."
^these ideas would have saved me literal years of pain and therapy if I'd heard them growing up
Right?! In Sexism & Sensibility, this is what I say re talking about it with my daughter: "There’s no guarantee that will save her from similar heartbreaks, but oh, how I wish I’d understood that concept as a teen."
"..... because you can’t compete with the social rewards he otherwise reaps from stoicism and an unequal stratification of power." ...... So maybe we should also be educating our sons how to stop being so influenced by peer pressure to be stoic and expecting to always be in charge. Teach them instead how to be real men who are caring and supporting. Love is, after all, truly a two-way street.
Absolutely we should be helping boys understand that a patriarchal culture demands they shut down their emotional lives and miss out on the richness of relationships.
Thanks for this. One of my 11-year-olds has recently expressed interest in romance novels, which I read, and I told her I'm happy to help her find appropriate stories, but that we should talk about the differences between (classic) romance and real life. (I know the romance genre is getting more real, luckily, but still.) This gave me some helpful ideas on what to talk about.
I’m so glad! She’s at such a great age to talk about this stuff. Another couple of years and she’ll know it all 😉.
Just got your book from the library!
Oh yay. I hope you love it. let me know!!
So lovely and helpful, Jo-ann. As I was reading this I thought perhaps I could have used a little more relationship guidance as a young teen...but would I have listened? I don't know. Wonderful guidance as always.
Thanks Kathryn! It's true kids need to have their own experiences to really learn but with some wise tips in their back pocket maybe they'll make sense of things before it becomes a pattern or before things really go awry. We can hope!
Jo-Ann. So well written and so absolutely true. Keep up the good work.
Thanks Nancy ❤️