The “Still-Face” experiment breaks my heart every time I watch it! I can’t imagine what it would have been like to work on it directly. Thanks for these insights. I see your points at play when I volunteer at my child’s elementary school. The friendship between the boys can be so surprisingly tender. And the ones who have the least self control seem to be most in need of a hug. Looking forward to reading the book🩷
“And the ones who have the least self control seem to be most in need of a hug.” So true! It’s so much easier to discipline when we’re annoyed than to dig deep and find that empathy.
Also, the Still-Face iteration we were working on was with mothers with PPD with follow-up with the Strange Situation. I wished I could hug every one of those children and their mamas.
I think boys and body image (it's addressed very little, I find. And as a mom to a boy who is a little on the smaller side (okay, he's 5 1/2, so it's hard to say what he'll look like at 21, or even 16), I worry about all that superhero worship (it just seems so much more present today than it was in the 90s when I was growing up) in addition to everything mentioned above would just elevate all the mental health issues kids have already. Looking forward to the book. I'll be picking it up this week.
Oh my goodness YES. It's such a big part of masculinity. I was trying to keep this essay short but working out and becoming buff is huge with teen boys and even eating disorders among boys are on the rise. I hope you like Ruth's book. Let me know what you think! :)
Re teen boys & their sparring, both verbal & physical: How do you *know they're not connecting? ("They’re having fun most of the time but that doesn’t mean they’re really connecting. ") In my 25+ years of raising, studying, & writing about boys, I've observed that boys & men DO connect via those interactions, and I've come to appreciate & admire their creativity at finding ways to connect that both align w their needs & allow them to "fit" social expectations. (Because let's face it: Not meeting social expectations during the teen years can be devastating. We humans are social creatures.) I believe we do boys & men a disservice when we consider this form of connecting "less than" the ways females typically connect. Let's recognize & applaud the many ways our boys & manage manage to cope, thrive, & support one another in a society that still imposes far too many gender- and sex-linked stereotypes & expectations on all of us.
Yes you make such a good point. Maybe connect is the wrong word. They do connect but often the connections they form don’t allow them to talk about hard feelings or be vulnerable when the time comes and they really need to. Does that align with your experience? Thanks for the important comment.
In my teaching and experience with my son and other boys, I have observed many tender hearted young boys who are fluent in emotional connection and communication. In the next town over, though, I’ve seen a lot more of what you describe: a sort of hardened version of the “classic” boy who is left to his own devices.
There is a stark culture shift between the communities — hippy/artist town vs. rural ‘Murica’ town. Certainly there are exceptions within the paradigm but the difference is large.
The “Still-Face” experiment breaks my heart every time I watch it! I can’t imagine what it would have been like to work on it directly. Thanks for these insights. I see your points at play when I volunteer at my child’s elementary school. The friendship between the boys can be so surprisingly tender. And the ones who have the least self control seem to be most in need of a hug. Looking forward to reading the book🩷
“And the ones who have the least self control seem to be most in need of a hug.” So true! It’s so much easier to discipline when we’re annoyed than to dig deep and find that empathy.
Also, the Still-Face iteration we were working on was with mothers with PPD with follow-up with the Strange Situation. I wished I could hug every one of those children and their mamas.
I am so excited to read your book!
Yay Those words are music to my ears!! 🙏🏼
SAME!!!!
❤️💜❤️
I think boys and body image (it's addressed very little, I find. And as a mom to a boy who is a little on the smaller side (okay, he's 5 1/2, so it's hard to say what he'll look like at 21, or even 16), I worry about all that superhero worship (it just seems so much more present today than it was in the 90s when I was growing up) in addition to everything mentioned above would just elevate all the mental health issues kids have already. Looking forward to the book. I'll be picking it up this week.
Oh my goodness YES. It's such a big part of masculinity. I was trying to keep this essay short but working out and becoming buff is huge with teen boys and even eating disorders among boys are on the rise. I hope you like Ruth's book. Let me know what you think! :)
Re teen boys & their sparring, both verbal & physical: How do you *know they're not connecting? ("They’re having fun most of the time but that doesn’t mean they’re really connecting. ") In my 25+ years of raising, studying, & writing about boys, I've observed that boys & men DO connect via those interactions, and I've come to appreciate & admire their creativity at finding ways to connect that both align w their needs & allow them to "fit" social expectations. (Because let's face it: Not meeting social expectations during the teen years can be devastating. We humans are social creatures.) I believe we do boys & men a disservice when we consider this form of connecting "less than" the ways females typically connect. Let's recognize & applaud the many ways our boys & manage manage to cope, thrive, & support one another in a society that still imposes far too many gender- and sex-linked stereotypes & expectations on all of us.
Yes you make such a good point. Maybe connect is the wrong word. They do connect but often the connections they form don’t allow them to talk about hard feelings or be vulnerable when the time comes and they really need to. Does that align with your experience? Thanks for the important comment.
In my teaching and experience with my son and other boys, I have observed many tender hearted young boys who are fluent in emotional connection and communication. In the next town over, though, I’ve seen a lot more of what you describe: a sort of hardened version of the “classic” boy who is left to his own devices.
That’s so interesting. Any sense of what’s making the difference?
There is a stark culture shift between the communities — hippy/artist town vs. rural ‘Murica’ town. Certainly there are exceptions within the paradigm but the difference is large.
Sign me up for hippy/artist town!