Thank you for this brilliant list. I’ve used a few of these tactics and plan to adopt more.
Despite raising two daughters who became doctors, my mother still defaults to asking what “he” said when I mention a visit to a doctor. I know she is proud of us; she supported us every step of the way. Societal conditioning is real, though. I couldn’t help laughing out loud when my child, after a visit to our all-female pediatrics practice where a man was subbing for a maternity leave, said, huh, I didn’t know men could be doctors.
I love your list of feminist resistance. I do a lot of this in my day to day life and people look at me like I am crazy at first and then they have a light bulb moment. It's actually quite fun.
I also love to ask boys about their feelings. I'll ask my kids' friends "Hey, that must have been tricky back there [insert situation here]. How are you feeling? I'm proud of you for standing up for what is right" or "How could you handle that next time?" Letting boys know that talking about feelings is ok is so important. The patriarchy hurts men, too.
An unrelated one: remind a man that being heterosexual isn't a choice, and that many women would rather have wives. Watch their jaws hit the floor.
I have just finished Ruth Whippman's "Boy Mum" which is an excellent deep dive into exactly this. I hadn't really thought much before about how feminism could help to protect my toddler son from patriarchal/masculine gender norms. I'm going to order lots more books about relationships and emotions for him as a starting point.
Sounds like you enjoyed her book as much as I did. Your little guy definitely deserves to hold onto all his feelings and have role models in books (and elsewhere) for that! ❤️
Oh these are so great Jo-Ann! I’m obsessed with #3 and will incorporate it immediately. I love seeing the TikToks from teachers who call the father first to pick up a sick kid.
As a pediatrician, I never comment on children’s appearances. It honestly kind of grosses me out when adults fish for compliments on their children’s looks. Kids are sexualized at such a young age. Due to the influence of parents posting their kids on social media, many (especially girls) begin to self objectify during grade school. It’s alarming.
Totally! Simone de Beauvoir was spot on when she said girls stop being and start seeming. And beyond her wise words, there's lots of research that show self-objectification has real consequences including shame and anxiety about their bodies, more difficulty with cognitive tasks, and on and on. It irks the hell out of me when professionals comment on my daughter's appearance.
Not necessarily in a sexualized way but just commenting on her looks or outfit. Girls get that everywhere they go so it makes them feel on display at all times.
This is great! I am going to play Patriarchy Chicken and try to figure out if my inclination to move is because I want more space (actual space? safety?), or to be accommodating. I like to enthusiastically assume skill and expertise when someone says he ____ (verb) like a girl! Their confusion is a great lead-in to explore their bias.
I used several of these as a college professor and it was always sooooo interesting to watch how students reacted. Especially to the “she” references to anyone with expertise. “Did it confuse you that a woman is a nuclear physicist? Why is that?” Very useful tactics; thanks!
Oh no! I just laughed out loud and woke up my partner. It’s the middle of the night 😬. Modeling and explicitly teaching the next generation about inherent biases is the only way things are going to change. Perfect example of how parents can make a big difference in this sexist nonsense!
Once I started noticing gender in kids’ books and changing the animals/beings/Gruffalos to the feminine, it was maddening to notice the automatic use of male pronouns. One book about farm animals was especially frustrating, because I’m a farm girl and know that most farm animals are female, not male, yet in this book there wasn’t a single female pig or goat or chicken to be found. Ugh! This experience prompted me to always use female pronouns when talking about real animals, from the squirrel in our yard to the elephant at the zoo, which turns out to be subversive as well.
I had played Patriarchy Chicken my whole life without realising it until in my early 30's my mum said to me how much she admired me for always holding my own on the sidewalk! I think I'll intentionally incorporate a few more of these into my day to day FOR SURE!
I love #6 and have used it since seeing Candidate & VP Harris use it. Marvelous!
Another I've used when providing editorial feedback in a small business: Avoid "Mrs" in a letter of recommendation. It reveals marital status. Even if the applicant refers to herself as "Mrs," the letter-writer should use "Ms" or "Dr" or first name or last name without an honorific.
Thank you! It’s really wild how little space women are expected to claim. And when we claim it, we’re treated like we’re the ones taking up too much space 🙄
Exactly! When I ran for office it was against seven men and yet somehow, despite being the only one with a background in public policy, I was quite literally patted on the head and told it was cute that I was running. It's all very maddening!
This list is fantastic. I’ve been the strong girl stacking chairs since 3rd grade. I do lots of these, too although I have a few new favorites to incorporate! And one I always do (not on your list) is to change the pronouns of a book I’m reading to my kids — particularly if it’s a gendered fish or truck. Something less obvious than a human being. I’ve swapped genders for 9 years now in the “goodnight, goodnight construction site” books.
Yeah!!! (That’s actually #26 on the list. I used to do that with all the Richard Scarry Busy Busy Town books where all the male animals were police officers and firefighters and the women were all home ironing 🙄). Cool you were a chair stacker. In my book i talk about not having that sense of physical accomplishment until i was 25 years old(!!) and shoveled out a car totally buried in snow.
In all of the subsequent books, there are more female trucks. Which is great. And a relief because now that 2 of my 3 kids can read, they are often pointing out when I am changing pronouns or names.
It's just so disappointing that so many books (even ones written by women like the construction site books) default to male.
🤦🏻♀️ Here’s hoping her very male editor made her use male pronouns.
Perfect opportunity to introduce the concept of gender bias when your kids notice you’re changing the pronouns! I’m a big proponent of doing that (gently) when they’re young so don’t internalize sexism and they know the problem is the culture, not them.
Thank you for that idea. I have honestly been wondering if changing pronouns (or other changes) is making it harder for him to learn to read since it might be confusing if sometimes I say he when reading “he” and other times I substitute she.
I tell the story in my book of finally introducing gender bias to my kids during Master Chef Junior when every season “the girl” didn’t win and my daughter kept getting upset. and also Gordon Ramsey was saying things to the girls when he liked their dishes like, “was that a fluke or could you do it again?” whereas with the boys he’d say, “Amazing. I see a lot of myself in you” or talk about the successful restaurant they’ll have one day.
I recently heard they made them a little more gender neutral. That's very cool! Sadly, I'm out of the board book phase or even the reading to my kids phase. I still ask from time to time if they want me to read to them when they're feeling down and they look at me like I've grown another head. It's one of the things I miss most.
Thank you for this brilliant list. I’ve used a few of these tactics and plan to adopt more.
Despite raising two daughters who became doctors, my mother still defaults to asking what “he” said when I mention a visit to a doctor. I know she is proud of us; she supported us every step of the way. Societal conditioning is real, though. I couldn’t help laughing out loud when my child, after a visit to our all-female pediatrics practice where a man was subbing for a maternity leave, said, huh, I didn’t know men could be doctors.
Oh I love that SO MUCH 😂
I love your list of feminist resistance. I do a lot of this in my day to day life and people look at me like I am crazy at first and then they have a light bulb moment. It's actually quite fun.
heh heh...keep up the excellent work!
I also love to ask boys about their feelings. I'll ask my kids' friends "Hey, that must have been tricky back there [insert situation here]. How are you feeling? I'm proud of you for standing up for what is right" or "How could you handle that next time?" Letting boys know that talking about feelings is ok is so important. The patriarchy hurts men, too.
An unrelated one: remind a man that being heterosexual isn't a choice, and that many women would rather have wives. Watch their jaws hit the floor.
lol on that last one. Both perfect. And couldn’t agree more that patriarchy hurts boys! That was my last newsletter :) https://open.substack.com/pub/joannfinkelstein/p/breaking-free-boys-and-the-chains?r=1919uy&utm_medium=ios
I have just finished Ruth Whippman's "Boy Mum" which is an excellent deep dive into exactly this. I hadn't really thought much before about how feminism could help to protect my toddler son from patriarchal/masculine gender norms. I'm going to order lots more books about relationships and emotions for him as a starting point.
Sounds like you enjoyed her book as much as I did. Your little guy definitely deserves to hold onto all his feelings and have role models in books (and elsewhere) for that! ❤️
Ugh, no one should use “Mrs.” anymore.
Right there with you. Comes from a dark place and time and we put a bow on it and call it tradition. :(
Oh these are so great Jo-Ann! I’m obsessed with #3 and will incorporate it immediately. I love seeing the TikToks from teachers who call the father first to pick up a sick kid.
ooo I’ll have to check those out! Can’t tell you how many times i had to redirect the school to my husband.
As a pediatrician, I never comment on children’s appearances. It honestly kind of grosses me out when adults fish for compliments on their children’s looks. Kids are sexualized at such a young age. Due to the influence of parents posting their kids on social media, many (especially girls) begin to self objectify during grade school. It’s alarming.
Totally! Simone de Beauvoir was spot on when she said girls stop being and start seeming. And beyond her wise words, there's lots of research that show self-objectification has real consequences including shame and anxiety about their bodies, more difficulty with cognitive tasks, and on and on. It irks the hell out of me when professionals comment on my daughter's appearance.
Not necessarily in a sexualized way but just commenting on her looks or outfit. Girls get that everywhere they go so it makes them feel on display at all times.
This is great! I am going to play Patriarchy Chicken and try to figure out if my inclination to move is because I want more space (actual space? safety?), or to be accommodating. I like to enthusiastically assume skill and expertise when someone says he ____ (verb) like a girl! Their confusion is a great lead-in to explore their bias.
I used several of these as a college professor and it was always sooooo interesting to watch how students reacted. Especially to the “she” references to anyone with expertise. “Did it confuse you that a woman is a nuclear physicist? Why is that?” Very useful tactics; thanks!
Why is that? hmmmm. Thanks sexism! Let’s keep challenging these tired assumptions.
When I first ran for elected office, my son quite seriously asked me “Mummy, can boys be politicians?”
Oh no! I just laughed out loud and woke up my partner. It’s the middle of the night 😬. Modeling and explicitly teaching the next generation about inherent biases is the only way things are going to change. Perfect example of how parents can make a big difference in this sexist nonsense!
Once I started noticing gender in kids’ books and changing the animals/beings/Gruffalos to the feminine, it was maddening to notice the automatic use of male pronouns. One book about farm animals was especially frustrating, because I’m a farm girl and know that most farm animals are female, not male, yet in this book there wasn’t a single female pig or goat or chicken to be found. Ugh! This experience prompted me to always use female pronouns when talking about real animals, from the squirrel in our yard to the elephant at the zoo, which turns out to be subversive as well.
Arghhhhh! (That’s me screaming into the void). Most farm animals are female and we’re just distorting reality for kids 🤦🏻♀️
I had played Patriarchy Chicken my whole life without realising it until in my early 30's my mum said to me how much she admired me for always holding my own on the sidewalk! I think I'll intentionally incorporate a few more of these into my day to day FOR SURE!
Yeah! Owning that sidewalk! Love that :)
We all start somewhere!
I love #6 and have used it since seeing Candidate & VP Harris use it. Marvelous!
Another I've used when providing editorial feedback in a small business: Avoid "Mrs" in a letter of recommendation. It reveals marital status. Even if the applicant refers to herself as "Mrs," the letter-writer should use "Ms" or "Dr" or first name or last name without an honorific.
Great list!
YES totally agree! Great feedback.
Texting both parents when setting up a playdate!
Oh that is a great one!! Yes yes yes!
What a great list! Definitely got me thinking about my own assumptions... thanks for illuminating my brain!
Yay! thanks so much for reading and commenting :)
These are fantastic! I've had to use the, "I'm not done speaking" one several times and it never ceases to amaze the man doing the interrupting.
Thank you! It’s really wild how little space women are expected to claim. And when we claim it, we’re treated like we’re the ones taking up too much space 🙄
Exactly! When I ran for office it was against seven men and yet somehow, despite being the only one with a background in public policy, I was quite literally patted on the head and told it was cute that I was running. It's all very maddening!
So gross. So condescending. I’m sorry. As if running for office isn’t hard enough without all the biases projected onto you.
This list is fantastic. I’ve been the strong girl stacking chairs since 3rd grade. I do lots of these, too although I have a few new favorites to incorporate! And one I always do (not on your list) is to change the pronouns of a book I’m reading to my kids — particularly if it’s a gendered fish or truck. Something less obvious than a human being. I’ve swapped genders for 9 years now in the “goodnight, goodnight construction site” books.
Yeah!!! (That’s actually #26 on the list. I used to do that with all the Richard Scarry Busy Busy Town books where all the male animals were police officers and firefighters and the women were all home ironing 🙄). Cool you were a chair stacker. In my book i talk about not having that sense of physical accomplishment until i was 25 years old(!!) and shoveled out a car totally buried in snow.
How did I miss #26? Reading on a phone I sometimes inadvertently skip over things.
Yes I do that too for that same book! I did appreciate that in the second one (mighty mighty) they have female trucks as well.
In all of the subsequent books, there are more female trucks. Which is great. And a relief because now that 2 of my 3 kids can read, they are often pointing out when I am changing pronouns or names.
It's just so disappointing that so many books (even ones written by women like the construction site books) default to male.
🤦🏻♀️ Here’s hoping her very male editor made her use male pronouns.
Perfect opportunity to introduce the concept of gender bias when your kids notice you’re changing the pronouns! I’m a big proponent of doing that (gently) when they’re young so don’t internalize sexism and they know the problem is the culture, not them.
Thank you for that idea. I have honestly been wondering if changing pronouns (or other changes) is making it harder for him to learn to read since it might be confusing if sometimes I say he when reading “he” and other times I substitute she.
I tell the story in my book of finally introducing gender bias to my kids during Master Chef Junior when every season “the girl” didn’t win and my daughter kept getting upset. and also Gordon Ramsey was saying things to the girls when he liked their dishes like, “was that a fluke or could you do it again?” whereas with the boys he’d say, “Amazing. I see a lot of myself in you” or talk about the successful restaurant they’ll have one day.
I recently heard they made them a little more gender neutral. That's very cool! Sadly, I'm out of the board book phase or even the reading to my kids phase. I still ask from time to time if they want me to read to them when they're feeling down and they look at me like I've grown another head. It's one of the things I miss most.