From Insult to Insight: Turning Sexism and Racism into Teachable Moments

Featuring Kamala Harris and Simone Biles

Photo by Sai De Silva on Unsplash

As disheartening as it is to see so much sexism and racism rise to the surface when a female, especially a woman of color, has the “audacity” to seek power, it’s also a gift of sorts. The misogynoir, while always present, is now easier to identify and more difficult for people to dismiss. And it makes for a great foray into discussing sexism and racism with kids. If you’ve been reading my work long enough, you know I’m a proponent of naming and explaining these issues so that when they’re aimed at our daughters, they’ll be less likely to internalize them.

The long history of denigrating public women includes 1) subjecting them to double standards and 2) focusing on their looks, mannerisms, and clothing rather than their skills and the substance of their ideas or policies. Take Serena Williams, one of the all-time tennis greats and a rare Black woman in tennis, who was frequently criticized for her muscularity, and her success was questioned with implications she must’ve been born male. Her behavior and expressions of emotion on the tennis court were often judged more harshly than her male counterparts for similar actions. Or Hillary Clinton, whose hair and laugh have been the subjects of derision for decades.

It’s not really about how girls and women look or even act, of course; it’s about keeping them feeling less secure and powerful than they might if they weren’t scrutinized. When women avoid writing or saying things publicly to escape their appearance being mauled or, ya know, facing rape threats, it’s one more obstacle to gender equality. Men in the public eye don’t contend with the vicious attacks on their bodies that women do, and girls take note of this. Gender policing has reverberating effects: Girls who heard the “Princess of Pop” Britney Spears’s body being torn apart by the media when they were seven are now the seventeen-year-olds who are critiquing their own bodies part by part. And studies show girls are wary of pursuing leadership roles because of the harassment and discrimination they see women leaders endure. If girls shy away from leadership positions, then women in decision-making roles will continue to be a minority. So it’s paramount that we address these issues with our daughters.

By capitalizing on the endless teachable moments (not all of them or they’ll tune you out pretty quickly!) at our fingertips, we can help kids make sense of the subtle, chronic, cumulative indignities girls and women experience and often come to think of as normal or funny, and put language around what they’re seeing and experiencing.

Two major women in the spotlight right now are Kamala Harris and Simone Biles. These impressive women (and the ways they’ve been treated and discussed) provide fantastic opportunities to address sexism and racism head-on. Here are a few examples, some direct, some more subtle, that you can start with. Sadly, there will be many more to work with in the coming weeks.

HARRIS’S LAUGH: “I call her ‘laughing Kamala’,” former President Donald Trump said at a rally in Michigan on July 24th. “Have you ever watched her laugh? She is crazy. You can tell a lot by a laugh…She is nuts.” He then goes on to call Nancy Pelosi crazy too. (What do you call someone like Trump who never seems to laugh? And I don’t mean at other people. I mean out of genuine enjoyment or amusement.) This particular insult is dripping with both racism and sexism in it. Women’s laughter is often seen as crude, hysterical, and lacking in social modesty. (Under Taliban rule in 2001, female laughter was banned in Afghanistan. I fear it could be again.)

Tell your daughters that “crazy” is a dog whistle for women being “too emotional”, “too loud”, and in this case, “too Black”. By pairing “crazy” with “women” we make women untrustworthy. Ask your kids why they think some people refer to Harris’s laugh as a cackle, rather than as warm and contagious. I bet they’ll make the association to an evil witch. Helping your daughter hear these subtleties will help fine-tune her “sexism detector” so that she understands something is wrong with the culture, not with women…or with her.

Tell your daughters about Black Joy—a national movement that started in 2020 after George Floyd was killed. Black Joy shows a refusal to stand down in the face of discrimination; an insistence that people of color deserve the freedom to relish all the wonderful aspects of life. Share the clip where Harris is dancing or the one where she tells Drew Barrymore, “I have my mother’s laugh. And I grew up around a bunch of women in particular who laughed from the belly….telling big stories with big laughs.” Tell your daughters it’s okay to be BIG. As Harris says, it’s important to remind our little ones: “Don’t be confined to other people’s perception about what this looks like…and how you should act in order to be.”

DEI HIRE: Republicans wasted no time labeling Harris a "DEI candidate," a term that fuels racial resentment by implying that the success of minority folks is unearned or comes at the cost of others. Actually, I think they’re mixing up Diversity, Equity and Inclusion (which refers to changing the culture of an organization through developing skills and policies that get the best from everyone) with affirmative action (which seeks to change the demographics of an organization). Women and people of color aren't fully recognized in the public consciousness as representing intelligence, so without adequate explanation, affirmative action or DEI can be perceived as unfair. This is a perfect opportunity to explain that it was put in place to help members of groups that have been kept down by historic discrimination. Explain that people aren’t losing something they deserve. They’ve had extra privilege all along that they shouldn’t have had. Tell them that just because identity is being taken into account, it doesn’t negate the person’s ability and qualifications. You might give the example of elite colleges giving (ahem) boys a leg up in recent years as a way to even the gender split. Then, you can explain that Harris’s selection as Joe Biden's running mate did reflect a commitment to diversity and representation, but that her professional background and extensive qualifications are the primary reasons for her position and success.

SLEPT HER WAY TO THE TOP: Some conservative commentators have suggested that Harris "slept her way to the top," a trope that also reflects sexualized stereotypes about women in politics, especially women of color. We can talk to our daughters about the cultural emphasis placed on women’s appearance and sexuality and how they’re often led to believe it’s their main or only source of power. But when women do succeed outside these realms, they’re accused of using those qualities to get ahead, the implication being that it’s the only way they can rise. As an aside, if and when a woman feels the need to “sleep their way to the top” (which Harris clearly did not do) it’s usually more accurate to say, “corrupt men withhold promotions until they get sexual favors.”

WELFARE QUEEN: Okay, VP candidate JD Vance didn’t actually say the term “Welfare Queen,” but he may as well have. He attacked Harris as a career politician, questioning, "What the hell have you done other than collect a government check for the last 20 years?" This remark goes beyond erasing all of her accomplishments. It evokes the "Welfare Queen" trope from the 1970s, a derogatory term used to demonize single women, particularly Black women, who are perceived to misuse or abuse government assistance. Behind his words are women (and poor people) are lazy, incompetent, and manipulative. If you’re talking to your kids about sexism and racism, spell that one out for them!

CHILDLESS CAT LADIES: Given that Vance’s resurfaced clip from 2021 about childless cat ladies has gone viral, your daughter has likely come across it on social media. Maybe she gets why it’s insulting, maybe she doesn’t. It’s worth discussing with her just how many groups he takes out in that one gendered trope. He paints a picture of those who don’t have children as being unable to have a stake in the future of our country. Ask your daughter to think of people she knows who don’t have children. She’ll likely think of her fun-loving, involved aunt who chose not to have kids herself or maybe the nuns at church; maybe her [very underpaid] teacher will come to mind, or your best friend who has been trying for years to get pregnant. She’ll quickly understand that suggesting someone must have children to be truly invested in the future is ludicrous. Oh, and don’t forget to mention that Harris is the devoted step-mother to two kids who call her “Momala” and even their mother came to Harris’s defense saying, “She is loving, nurturing, fiercely protective, and always present. I love our blended family and am grateful to have her in it.”

THE IMPOSSIBLE BALANCING ACT: If Kamala’s warm, easy laugh is gendered female and called crazy, then maybe being a former prosecutor will at least help avoid the attacks that often dog Democrats and women—being “soft on crime.” You can’t accuse a former prosecutor of that, can you? Maybe not, but you can call her aggressive and unlikable as assertive women often are. And Black women are penalized even more for dominance. Don’t be emotional, but don’t be cold. Take charge, but don’t be bossy. Be pretty, but don’t tempt men or threaten women. (In case you need to hear America Ferrera’s brilliant version of women can’t win from the Barbie movie again, just click here. You’re welcome). By discussing the double standards girls face, and the impossible tests so many women fail, you’ll set your daughter up to see how they play out in her own life.

Finally, Simone Biles’s comeback provides amazing fodder to help girls see what it looks like to face sexism and still rise mightily. After dropping out of the Tokyo olympics due to a mental health issue that was putting her in physical danger (she had “the twisties” which is when a gymnast can’t get her bearings in the air), many applauded her bravery in prioritizing her well-being. But the sexist trolls also came out in force. JD Vance called her “weak.” The conservative activist Charlie Kirk (the guy who called white privilege “a myth” and a "racist lie") called her "a selfish sociopath" and a "shame to the country." Piers Morgan tweeted, “Are 'mental health issues' now the go-to excuse for any poor performance in elite sport? What a joke."

When women take care of themselves they’re labelled selfish, and when they’re hurting, they’re called weak and aren’t believed. Tell your daughters that everyone loses their bearings but with time to heal and hard work they often come back stronger than ever. Sometimes, they even get to go to Paris and mop up those judgy white men, with gold medals.

When girls learn to critically evaluate the culture they’re growing up in, they’ll understand that the messages they get about being weak, inferior, irrational, too loud, shallow, overly emotional, and incapable of leadership aren’t their personal failures but a failure of the system. My greatest wish for my daughter is that she knows what it feels like to trust herself, and to make sure she doesn’t feel “less than” even if she’s sometimes treated that way. I want that for all of our daughters.

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SEEKING MIDDLE- AND HIGH-SCHOOL GIRLS AND THEIR CAREGIVERS FOR BOOK ON RAISING STRONG GIRLS

Kate Rope, a colleague of mine, is writing a book on raising strong girls. She is writing it for caregivers of elementary-age children who identify as girls. She wants the book to speak to caregivers of all different communities of girls, because, while some of the challenges girls face are inherent to all humans, and some specific to living as a female in this society, others are part of living a particular identity, in a particular body, coming from different racial and ethnic backgrounds, living with different abilities, or at the intersection of more than one of these. She is creating focus groups with middle- and high-school girls to talk to them about their particular experiences in elementary school. Here is a link to a Google form where you can find out more about her, the book, and how she crafts the focus groups to be safe spaces where girls retain the power over what they say and how they are identified (or not). She also has a survey she is sharing with all kinds of caregivers (parents, grandparents, foster parents, aunties, teachers, coaches, etc) to learn from them their wisdom and experience in raising girls and any tips, hacks, conversation starters, general approaches they have taken (across a number of topics) to support the girl in their life. Click the links if you and a girl in your life are interested and/or please share these links with anyone else you think would be interested!