Dysfunctional Diplomacy: Zelensky, Trump, and Vance Through the Lens of Family Therapy
An addendum to my last post
This is a short one today — an addendum really to my last post Why Living Under Narcissistic Leadership Feels So Personal: The psychological toll politics is taking on women.
Watching the appalling meeting between Trump, Vance, and Ukrainian President Zelensky felt eerily similar to sitting in a therapy session with a family or couple where one person is being ganged up on—gaslit, manipulated, and bullied by those in power.
To back up for a second, if you haven’t seen the exchange in the Oval Office, you should probably watch it because it’s actually hard to believe it happened. I warn you though, it was sickening to see and I actually felt my face turning red with embarrassment. Trump and his lapdog Vance berated Zelensky for a number of things, including not being grateful enough. As if speaking to a five year old, Vance demanded: “Have you said thank once this meeting?” Trump raised his voice and speaking over Zelensky, pointed at him saying, “You’re not in a very good position. You don’t have the cards right now…” They interrupted Zelensky incessantly—a man who was trying to respond in a language that isn’t his native tongue—making it impossible for him to defend himself or clarify what he meant.
If this were a therapy situation, Zelensky would be the “Identified Patient.” An "identified patient" is a term used in family therapy to describe the family member who is identified as having mental health issues and/or seen to be causing the problems in the family. This person’s issues, however, are often a symptom of larger underlying issues within the family dynamic. Often they are actually the more stable family member—the truth-tellers of a reality others don’t want to face. Essentially, the identified patient is being scapegoated (usually not consciously) to divert the family from the real issues. So a child having behavioral issues at school, for example, might be diverting attention away from his parents marital problems.
When the rest of the family refuses to hear what the identified patient is trying to express and lacks self awareness, it can be very difficult to help the couple or family. When watching the video of Zelensky being crucified as he tried to argue that Putin can’t be trusted, I felt that same hopelessness I feel when sitting with a family refusing to acknowledge what’s really going on. Trump refused to hear the truth because he was busy doing Putin’s bidding. I felt the same compassion for Zelensky that I feel for the identified patient who just wants her family to communicate better and tell the truth.
Families who want to work through dysfunction require self-reflection and must value their relationships. The same holds true for difficult negotiations, where effective diplomacy relies on relationship-oriented individuals practicing deep listening. Unfortunately, narcissists are too concerned with their own goals to genuinely hear another’s pain, take their lived experiences seriously, or care about the relationship.
As I said in my last piece, for women who have grown up with aggressive or abusive men in their lives, watching these narcissistic leaders at work can be re-traumatizing. During the spectacle, the Ukrainian Ambassador Oksana Markarova—who has watched her country be destroyed and her people killed by a ruthless bully—was clearly distraught, squeezing the bridge of her nose and putting her head in her hand. Hopefully, seeing European leaders rally behind Zelensky in support offered some sense of healing and reassurance to her and all those women watching.
Reminder: You can join the Sexism & Sensibility book club discussion on March 13th from 6-7:30 organized by
. I will be joining the discussion and everyone is welcome. Check out Amber’s reading guide!
Thank you so much for sharing this analysis. The interaction we all saw was so outside the norm of international relations it was hard to believe it actually took place. While for many of us it reinforces the inadequacy of the people who are exercising power there are, incomprehensibly to me, people who feel this was an appropriate show of power. I am saddened and angered by what I see happening in your country. For so long the US has been an example of a country generally trying to do right in the world. While certainly not perfect (what country is) the underlying driving force always appeared to have a desire to enhance global peace and security and to demonstrate concern for others. If you have any recommendations as to steps that can be taken by the average person to mitigate the negative impact of this group of “leaders” please share. I suspect some of the treatment strategies in therapy might help.