20 Resilience-Building Things You Can Do for Your Daughter Now
Two posts this week— all about raising girls. Today, we’re focusing on resilience, broken into four areas: A) building girls’ belief in their ability to improve, B) helping them handle hard things, C) shaping their inner voice, and D) protecting their relationship to their body and identity. On Thursday, we’ll zoom in on body respect in a conversation with Dr. Charlotte Markey about her popular, now updated new book, The Body Image Book for Girls: Love Yourself and Grow Up Fearless.
I’ve been giving Raising Her Voice workshops for girls and come away every time exhilarated (and a little exhausted…but mostly exhilarated).
At the beginning of the day, the girls are quiet, guarded, sometimes skeptical. By the end, they’re engaged, open and assertive. Watching girls own their strengths in real time is incredible.
The focus and depth change depending on the age group, but the goal is always the same: to help girls build the confidence and resilience to use their voices.
Some of what I share comes from research and from my parenting and clinical work. But some of the most powerful moments come from the girls themselves—what their parents do that helps them or what they wish they would do.
Orchestrated workshops like the one I’m talking about are great, but it’s the small, repeated moments that have the most lasting impact.
So here are some things we can all do—simple, concrete ways to build resilience in girls growing up in a world that too often tells them they can’t, won’t, or shouldn’t.
A. Build belief in their ability to improve
When scientists asked half a million 15-year-olds from 59 countries about their fear of failing, girls were more afraid than boys of failing in 56 countries. Girls manage their fear of failure in two ways: 1) They try to be perfect and hold themselves to impossible standards or 2) they shrink themselves and miss out on opportunities to “go for it.”
We need to help them believe in the power of trying and trying again!
1) Teach them to go from “I can’t” to “I can’t yet”
When they say “I can’t,” gently interrupt. “You mean you can’t yet.”
This small shift changes the entire frame from fixed to possible.
You can even play the “Guess Who Thought They Couldn’t” game with them:
Guess how many Katy Perry sold of her first album? —Only 200!
Which musician was dumped by her first record label? —Lady Gaga
Guess who failed the bar exam after graduating from Harvard Law school? —Michelle Obama
Guess which book was rejected 14 times before becoming a runaway bestseller and a movie? —Twilight (ended up selling over 100 million copies worldwide.)
Struggle isn’t the exception. It’s the path.
2) Create a “hard things archive”
Keep a running list—mental or written—of things they thought they couldn’t handle, but did.
Bring it back when they’re spiraling:
“This feels big. But remember when you thought you couldn’t do that back flip? Or talk to Izzy about your feelings? You did both!”
You’re helping them build a memory of themselves as capable.
3) Make effort visible (not just outcomes)
Shift what and how you praise.
Instead of “You’re so good at that,” or “you’re so smart,” try:
“You really stuck with that even when it got boring.”
“Your hard work paid off.”
“Your strategies worked.”
This builds stamina, rather than pressure to perform. Think: growth mindset.
4) Ask them what might go right
Girls’ totally normal setbacks are sometimes treated as a sign they lack talent. That’s especially likely in areas where people hold the stereotype that girls aren’t naturally talented. Or others may assume their accomplishment was easy or that they just got lucky. So girls become trained to anticipate what might go wrong.
Gently widen the frame:
“What do you think could go right?”
It goes a long way when they’re reminded that a lot can go right, that perfect is the enemy of great, and that you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.
B. Help them handle hard things (without rescuing them from discomfort)
5) Don’t rush to remove obstacles—help them think through them
Resist the urge to fix.
Instead, slow it down:
“What are your options?”
“What’s one small step you could take?”
Stay close, but don’t take over.
Confidence comes from handling things that aren’t easy.
6) Give them controlled risks
Resilience grows in the space between comfort and overwhelm.
Let them order for themselves
Let them email a teacher
Let them navigate a small social conflict without stepping in
You’re sending a crucial message: You can handle this.
7) Encourage them to take risks before they feel ready
Girls often think confidence comes first.
It doesn’t.
Confidence comes from taking the risk—and realizing they can either survive disappointment or that they’re more capable than they thought.
8) Teach them how to ask for help
Don’t assume they know how.
Give them the language:
“Can you explain that in a different way?”
“I’m stuck—can you help me get started?”
“I’m feeling overwhelmed. Can you help me figure out where to begin?”
Practice it. Role-play it. Normalize it.
You’re turning help-seeking into a skill—not a vulnerability.
9) Let them quit things—but only after a “finish well” conversation
Don’t treat quitting as failure. But don’t make it automatic either.
Pause. Get curious.
Is it not a fit? Or did it just get hard?
Help them stay long enough to finish with integrity when it matters, and walk away cleanly when it doesn’t.
You’re not teaching them to push through everything.
You’re teaching them discernment.
10) Normalize anxiety & discomfort
Sit with them in hard feelings without rushing to solve them.
“This is uncomfortable, but you can handle uncomfortable”
“You’re anxious but this feeling won’t last forever”
That’s a deeply under-taught skill.
11) Encourage boredom
Don’t fill every gap. Don’t solve every “I’m bored.”
Let them sit in it.
Boredom is where they learn to tolerate restlessness, generate their own ideas, rely less on constant input.
It’s a skill that’s sorely lacking in this over-stimulating world.
C. Shape their inner voice
12) Let them overhear you being kind to yourself
Girls don’t just listen to what we say to them—they absorb how we talk about ourselves.
Say things out loud like:
“I handled that well.”
“I’m proud of how I showed up.”
“I made a mistake, but I’ll fix it.”
You’re modeling an internal voice they’ll eventually borrow.
13) Write them notes (and give them a place to keep them)
Write down what you notice:
who they are, what you admire, what made you proud.
Give them a drawer, a box, a basket—somewhere these little notes can live.
So when they’re having a bad day, they have somewhere to go; something tangible to remind them This is who I am. Even when it doesn’t feel that way.
14) Let them overhear you saying kind things about them
Not to them. About them.
On the phone or in the next room. To a friend. To a partner.
It lands differently, and often more deeply.
15) Normalize repair, not perfection
There will always be conflict in relationships, especially close ones.
Model repair by apologizing when you mess up
Notice when they repair (“That took courage to go back and fix that”)
Resilience isn’t avoiding rupture—it’s learning that relationships can survive it and often some back stronger.
D. Protect their relationship to their body and identity
16) Expose them to women who are messy, bold, and real
Give them a wider template beyond the “perfect” role models they’re seeing in the media.
Watch shows, read books, follow creators who show complexity
Talk about women who take up space, fail publicly, change their minds
Resilience requires seeing more than one way to be.
17) Point out media manipulation in real time
Make this a running commentary—not a one-time talk.
“That’s a filter.”
“That’s edited.”
“That’s lighting.”
You’re helping them question what they see, instead of comparing themselves to it.
18) Bring them to a Korean spa (or any body-normalizing space)
Nudity, especially in puritanical American culture, is sexualized and bodies chronicly evaluated.
We want them to witness bodies that just…exist.
Different ages. Shapes. Sizes. Skin. Softness. Scars.
No posing. No performance. No evaluation.
In a culture that teaches girls to view their bodies from the outside—to assess, compare, and perfect—this offers something radically different.
Bodies aren’t objects to be oggled.
They’re simply bodies—meant to move, to rest, to feel.
And in a space like a Korean spa, where nudity is no big deal, they also get to experience something we rarely talk about: how good it can feel to just be in their bodies—warm, relaxed, unobserved—without it meaning anything beyond that.
We worry, rightly, about safety and privacy.
But in spaces that are safe—including our homes—nudity should be normal, neutral, human.
19) Talk about clothes in a way that centers their body—not appearance
Building body respect is an enormous part of resilience because their bodies will be scrutinized and commented on incessantly as they grow.
Instead of:
“Do you like how it looks?”
“Does it fit?”
Try:
“Does it work for your body?”
“Can you move in it?”
“How does it feel?”
The message becomes:
Your body isn’t the problem.
The clothes either work—or they don’t.
Your body is deserving of comfort and accommodation.
The clothes are what need to adapt. Not you.
20) Let them see you set boundaries (without over-apologizing)
Say no in front of them. Calmly.
“That doesn’t work for me.”
“I’m not able to do that.”
“I need some time to myself.”
Skip the explanations. Skip the guilt spiral.
You’re showing them they’re allowed to have limits. And that having needs doesn’t require an apology.
Resilient girls don’t talk about “resilience.”
But they show us what it looks like:
Knowing they can try and fail and try again.
Knowing hard feelings won’t take them down.
Knowing they are more than how they look or what they achieve.
Resilience is built in what we model, what we say, and what we allow.
Over and over again.
And over time, that’s what gives them something no one can take from them: a voice they trust—and the confidence to use it.
Related Posts
The Making of an Impostor
“Believe in yourself!”
“Know your worth!”
“Speak up!”
“Lean in!”
These are the self-esteem slogans girls hear all the time. But we rarely tell them why so many girls still doubt themselves—even when they’re crushing it.
Dear Daughter (part 2): When the World Is a Funhouse Mirror, Trust Your Reflection
Figuring out who you are is a lifelong task. The hope, of course, is that as we get older, some of the noise in our heads decreases so we can better hear ourselves. But for girls especially, that noise is LOUD. It will take some serious consciousness raising work to drown out the patriarchy that’s been infiltrating your sense of identity from birth.
She Said What?! The Best Responses to Sexist Remarks
If you’ve been following me for a while, you know I like to balance serious cultural commentary with lighter, easily accessible content. Today’s Substack falls into the latter category—but that doesn’t make it any less important.
